Here: the most vulnerable part of me

I guess everyone who knows me has this feeling about me: sometimes, she’s cold and hard to approach. She could be even brutal and emotionless. Sometimes, she closes all the doors that lead people to her life.

Well, I can tell you: that is quite true.

I am here, today, to explain why.

Here, for you, the most vulnerable part of me. Because I think you deserve an explanation.

(I don’t name names for the sake of things that should be kept in respect)

I’ve been criticized and discouraged. I know everyone has been there but for different people, the impact is not the same. Criticism, negativity for me is NOT that people being mean to me. I think it’s just because we don’t speak the same language.

I’ve been exposed to negativity a large part of my life and it has a HUGE influence on me. My identity, self-reflection and the way I see myself and the world around me.

I know and understand that some people can just NOT BE BOTHERED by those stuff, but I am not The-Some-People. It is always harder if you are a highly sensitive introvert: you absorb everything at real deep level and large amount.

Example:

Weather to normal people: good weather, bad weather or nothing

Weather to me: the control remote of my overall mood in the day, the reason why I can’t shut my mouth, the reason why I play a particular song or watch a specific movie with specific theme.

The greatest impact of negativity and criticism on me is this (here we go):

I am so scared of relationships. I don’t know how to receive care and love.

Thus, if I sense that someone gives a little too much care to me, I would step back, turn around and run away from that person.

I do it all the time.

“You care for me? Oh no, stay away from me”

So when you see me as a super independent and strong person, it is because I build the masks too well. I have parts that have been broken inside and I just don’t know how to function those parts rightly.

I AM SORRY!

The other day I met this person and I could clearly watch myself do it again: pushing away. I don’t want any kind of relationships.

I spent days thinking how to end it BEFORE it even starts.

I thought about the words that I should say, things I should do to ensure the death of birth of any connections.

SUDDENLY, it hit me like a truck:

What the hell am I doing?

What is this all about?

There’s nothing which exists yet.

From that point, my whole perspectives started to collapse. I looked back and for the first time, I see The history: all the people whom I have tried to push them away from my life. I don’t talk to them, don’t reply, don’t give comments, don’t meet in person.

BUT, what they have done to me to deserve it ?

N-O-T-H-I-N-G

They didn’t do anything to deserve my ignorance and cowardice.

Then I realized:

All these beautiful people

All these amazing people

I don’t even have words to say thank-you enough to them.

I decided: it’s time to let these wonderful human beings into my life. They are all amazing, why pushing them away?

I decided to be open and be vulnerable to you.

Because all these people, I have to keep them tight.

I have to keep them tight.

I want to keep them tight.

I want to keep them tight.

Thank you !

For those who have experienced the same thing like me, I want to tell you this:

“Hey, sweetheart,

Relax. Just relax. Relax to yourself.

Be open and let them in.

You will never want them away!

I promise. “

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