I choose you

I cried, again.

I cried again when I think of you and all the things we could be building together.

You are a source of peace.

I feel peaceful when I think about you being a part of my life.

I see you in every frames of the future.

I can feel how blessed it would become when I have you by my side.

You’ll be my home. Wherever you are and which direction you want to steer, I’ll be right beside you.

I don’t even feel like I want to achieve all the big things I chase for when I can see what truly matters for me. (Which, I undoubtedly know that you’ll support me with my dreams and wants me to achieve everything ; but, I will choose you and us as the future I put number one care for. You – and the children, will be my utmost priority.)

You’re the smile and laughter. You are a piece of joy. You, yourself is enough.

How can I have fallen for you this deeply?

Only if you know how sincere I am about you.

Yet, here I am, I can only pour it out into words, as this deep loving sensation burns through my soul.

I need to let you go.

I want to respect your decision, however hurt my fragile heart is, loving you doesn’t mean that I can have you.

You choose not to reciprocate what I have to offer and that’s ok.

It’s your decision to make. It’s your right after all. You can choose who you want to love with.

I am ok with that.

I just need to take my time and learn to let you go.

I’ve never felt this way.

You made me learn that loving you is a decision I made with bravery. I took the risk to love you. That’s the greatest gift I can give you, and, by loving you – I shall let you go.

How could you have made such an impact on me?

We don’t even have anything special that we have shared together.

How did I fell for you?

Why are you so special to me?

This hurts.

It hurts a lot.

The thoughts of not having you by my side to live in our dream lives together is very painful.

You are so special to me O.

And yet, I know that in your eyes, I am just another common female friend from the lots of female friends you have.

A lot of the time, I can think wisely and understand that you are not the best person for me. I feel huge jealousy when I think that you’ll be talking with lots of other female friends as well.

I am never special to you, but yet, why does in my sujood to Allah, I ask for your love to be bigger for me than my love for you? I honestly don’t know why my heart keeps on saying that you are the one for me, and it breaks my heart.

This position of huge love and importance should come from the male side when talking about a relationship.

I’ve always believed that the position of the women, she must not lower herself and bend down to her wants, even if it hurts her heart to lose her love from her – as it’s very important that she receives proper love and care from a man she’ll marry.

This is due to the fact that she is the nurturer of the home. She’ll need a peaceful and safe space to allow herself to truly give love in her home. That’s the reason why she must be choosy and have to be with a man who loves her more than she loves him.

That’s my principle. I don’t want to lose and suffer in my own home because of my own choices.

However, I have unfortunately fallen for you so deeply.

It breaks my heart.

I am respecting you O.

You said that you think of me as one of your important friends.

I’m sorry I can’t just stay friends with you for the time being.

I have fallen so deeply in love with you that I cannot accept just being your friend for the time being.

Funny thing is, I can list lots of your bad qualities and yet it’s not a matter for me as you have tons of other good traits in you.

And maybe that’s why I can’t stop falling for you.

Yet, Alhamdulillah I know my boundaries.

I know that you are not the love that I am chasing.

It is Allah’s love that I want.

And I believe that my Lord who is the most loving, will only provide me the best of everything as long as I do what pleases Him.

And for that, I rest my hopes, dreams and longing into His hands as I know that I’ll never be betrayed.

He is my Lord and He is my true love.

And you – you are a chapter of this maze called life. Who knows how long you’ll live in my maze, but for now, I will be trying everyday to let you go, and move on – because I know how important myself is.

Thank you O.

For you, have given me a chance – to learn how to truly love, without expecting anything in return.

I will always love you, with respect and care.

Thank you, goodbye O.