Not Vice’s Guide to Drugs

Why would anyone do drugs when they could just mow a lawn?

I recently found my boy reading Vice Magazine … I’m glad to see he’s making an effort to look cool… but I’m upset with the casual drug use found inside. I mean, why would anyone do drugs when they could just mow a lawn?

Now, I listen to the news and I’ve read some Wikipedia so I’d like to tell you what I think about these drugs:

Heroin: Don’t worry, you’re smart. You won’t get addicted. (I might get sarcastic with some of these)

Ecstasy: Goodness knows why you would ever do this — maybe your father never really loved you. Get a chemistry kit to check that it’s not cut with bath salts. Drink plenty of water if you must.

Mushrooms: Good for cluster migraines. And yes, the world is connected but please shut up about it.

GHB: You’re not a scientist, just call it the date-rape drug like everyone else. Basically alcohol for creepy people.

Coke: It will make bad ideas seem like good ideas. Do this in your free time… then discover you can’t afford free time.

Crack: You will discover two things: you have undiagnosed ADHD and a super high prison sentence.

Weed: Cures basically everything** except the bad ideas you just came up with. Also, avoid if bipolar.

Ketamine: A great way to discover you’re an idiot.

Beer: Best enjoyed on lawns but if you drink too much everyone will magically hate you.

LSD: You will think you’re original … if you’ve never read the quadrillion trips that led to the same place.

Etonitazene (aka Fentanyl): 1,500 time more potent than morphine according to Vice Magazine. Only 60 times more potent according to Journal of Psychopharmacology.

Meth: If you do this it means all your friends suck and you live in Fresno.

Bath Salts: Grab a camera and some riot gear.

PCP: Read the one about Ketamine

New Designer Drug: Your psychonaut martyrdom impresses nobody except Ted. Ted doesn’t shower.

**According to some site I’ve never heard of.


Hank Hill works for a living. Real work. Not writing down gobledigook.


Not Vice is an adversarial blog regarding Vice Media’s general bullshittery and outrageous corporate shenanigans. Occasionally we take submissions from fictional characters.