Not Vice’s Guide to Drugs

Why would anyone do drugs when they could just mow a lawn?

I recently found my boy reading Vice Magazine … I’m glad to see he’s making an effort to look cool… but I’m upset with the casual drug use found inside. I mean, why would anyone do drugs when they could just mow a lawn?

Now, I listen to the news and I’ve read some Wikipedia so I’d like to tell you what I think about these drugs:

Heroin: Don’t worry, you’re smart. You won’t get addicted. (I might get sarcastic with some of these)

Ecstasy: Goodness knows why you would ever do this — maybe your father never really loved you. Get a chemistry kit to check that it’s not cut with bath salts. Drink plenty of water if you must.

Mushrooms: Good for cluster migraines. And yes, the world is connected but please shut up about it.

GHB: You’re not a scientist, just call it the date-rape drug like everyone else. Basically alcohol for creepy people.

Coke: It will make bad ideas seem like good ideas. Do this in your free time… then discover you can’t afford free time.

Crack: You will discover two things: you have undiagnosed ADHD and a super high prison sentence.

Weed: Cures basically everything** except the bad ideas you just came up with. Also, avoid if bipolar.

Ketamine: A great way to discover you’re an idiot.

Beer: Best enjoyed on lawns but if you drink too much everyone will magically hate you.

LSD: You will think you’re original … if you’ve never read the quadrillion trips that led to the same place.

Etonitazene (aka Fentanyl): 1,500 time more potent than morphine according to Vice Magazine. Only 60 times more potent according to Journal of Psychopharmacology.

Meth: If you do this it means all your friends suck and you live in Fresno.

Bath Salts: Grab a camera and some riot gear.

PCP: Read the one about Ketamine

New Designer Drug: Your psychonaut martyrdom impresses nobody except Ted. Ted doesn’t shower.

**According to some site I’ve never heard of.


ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hank Hill works for a living. Real work. Not writing down gobledigook.


ABOUT NOT VICE

Not Vice is an adversarial blog regarding Vice Media’s general bullshittery and outrageous corporate shenanigans. Occasionally we take submissions from fictional characters.