Learning to Calm the Fuck Down
I didn’t used to be such a hot head. I used to be cool, calm , and collected. Sure, I got angry every once in a while but who didn’t? Then I spent a year or so completely giving up every bit of myself to everyone- no, it was longer. I really began to understand why mothers were always so aggressive and mean to their children. The whole, “If Mamma ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy” thing. I am obviously not a mother, but I started acting like it was my responsibility to take care of everyone else’s emotional needs. Which is really laughable, if you are not taking care of yourself first, you’re useless to others. (and really bad at giving advice.)
I’m not giving any advice any more, the truth of the matter is; no one really wants your advice, they want the answer they expect. “What should I do about my relationship?” my sister asks me, one night after I’ve had a long day. I tell her to communicate openly and express what her needs are.
She shuts that down. She doesn’t always want to be the first person to break the silence and give up her pride in an act of love; rather she would like to manipulate him into becoming the ultra-communicative human that perfectly understands her needs, wants, and desires all the while still having enough variety to keep her happy- and never having to budge an inch on matters that are uncomfortable for both parties. I suggest that she take a different approach, instead of breaking the silence through anger, go and lay your head on his chest while he watches another sports game and test the waters. That works… once. Let me tell you, this shit is frustrating. Not because I have any real stake in my sister’s relationship- or anyone else’s, for that matter. You can fuck goats for all I care- the troubling nature is that I think that what I am saying is important and valuable and that the ears asking to hear advice are willing to take it. The unfortunate truth is we give advice to ourselves and ourselves only, especially when dealing with close relationships. Jesus couldn’t perform miracles in Nazareth.
So, my head got hot and I neglected all of my personal needs and wants. Why? seriously, I’ve asked myself this over and over and the only answer I can come up with is I spoke when I could have stayed quiet and I stayed quiet when I should have spoken up. I stopped listening to the good and only perked my ears up for the bad. It’s really that simple. I took the problems of everyone else and put them on my shoulders and I said to no one what I needed. I gave away all my best advice to everyone else and took none of it for myself, the person who actually needed my advice. What was all the good and gracious advice I was giving?
Calm down, it’s not about you. It’s about them. Don’t take things personally.
Grow up. Take responsibility for your actions.
Express what you are feeling. It might feel like it’s falling on deaf ears but at least you’ve said what you needed. Also, if you are expressing your feelings and no one is listening to what you are saying then you don’t need them in your life. End of story. If someone cares so little about you to even acknowledge the way you are feeling, then they don’t deserve to have you in their life; for better or for worse.
Take care of yourself. You’re not a child any more: if you don’t take care of you, ain’t nobody gonna do it.
And finally, do what inspires you. Do what makes you happy. You can live forever miserable or you can follow your dreams. Even if you fail and fail horribly, you will still be more successful than anyone you know.
So, I am letting all of my anger and resentment go. I am refocusing my life and, dammit, I don’t care if it’s easy any more. I just want to be free of all of this anger and to calm the fuck down. Ahhh, that helped