Hi, Hear me out!
I would pretend I didn’t disappear from this space— as I would rightly put it — few months ago. I’d feign ignorance that I never thought of writing here to appeal the little fragment of beautiful souls that looked forward to the gibberish and unsolicited pieces I dropped in tiny bits once-in-whenever-i-feel-like. Lol. I’m sorry, but this is just to excuse myself from a theatric entrance speech and a melodramatic welcome back to myself. Should we all believe that it was a needed sabbatical?
Let’s skip to the good part — if I say so myself, where I’d put down in the most unprofessional way, without any iota of restriction and pour out my ordeal in all vulnerability here — can we?
How are you?
Me, I have been through a lot. No, actually, I am going through a lot. Somehow, I wish the narration of “ a lot” was one that came into your head as soon as you read it — not that I desire it but to suit and warm your expectations.
See, I have been going through a lot of mind repositioning. I have been maintaining a posture of openmindness for a while now. What can I say? Life takes you through hurdles. Some you create yourself just because…well, you exist . And in your defence it is unavoidable as you are in a state of confusion, weariness and bleh(forgive me, but no other word could fit.) And some? They come with finding and recognizing your path. I have never seen myself as one with an obstinate or objective mindset but I also have not been someone who deliberately in all vigor chased mind renewal — as I found out lately, even though I thought I had been one all along.
My Father has been working on me, guiding me through the hurdles and disengaging me from the noise and thoughtless busyness through a deep mind renewal. I have been brought to a position where I am attentive. Listening. Curious. Wide eyed and bewildered about certain things and ultimately, his will for me.
If you’d asked me some months ago, I would have boldly told you I have big dreams. Big enough for me. Ask me today and I’d make a comparison to what I would have replied.
“Ask me of the nations…”
God, my father is benevolent, freely giving and wise. And you know, right now, there a special grace for me to see beyond the present. He has expanded my mind through his word.
It’s hard. And sometimes it hurts because it seems like an unexplainable burden waiting to be lifted (executed) But I am grateful.
On Open-mindedness. I have come to a place where I am not stuck on my basic or fundamental beliefs for growth. In the past weeks, I have listened to people when they spoke, taken all of it in and filtered the garbages — in the light of what I do not need — later on. I have listened a lot and with my heart, too. Conversations have struck light bulb moments. Advices given are held like eggs that might be fried, cooked or disposed but it just has to get home, anyways. Overall , I have been attentive.
I have not just been learning. I have complained a lot, too. Like sulking over the fact that I do not read like I used to ( I don’t think I have completed two books in three months) and pulling myself over the fact that my voice do not come off as easy and canorous as it did some years ago — as though this is just a realization — because I have not been singing and I slowly fear that it becomes a lost hobby. I had once prided myself over my singing ability. I believed it was one of the gifts God gave me when my seventeen year old shy — yet confident when it came to songs — had to stand in front of the not-so-large church congregation back at home to lead in the worship songs. It’s close to four years and the realization hits harder now. It’s not like that anymore. Not anymore.
And yes. the most annoying of them all! It seems everyday I drop some pounds and I complain that I might soon disappear as I’d become invisible. Because, how slim can I get? I murmur all day, fill the ears of my roomates, stare at pictures of a chubbier me and whine about how I miss that body. But am I doing anything to curb this fear? No!
These complaints spring up and sometimes I just can’t help it. I’d make a mental note to avoid them from now on.
If all of my experiences give an impression that I am fine, then I think I am fine.
