Changes

Cue the Bowie music!

Just kidding. Well, only sort of. I do enjoy a good Bowie song.

Wait, how did we get here? This post isn’t about Bowie at all. Wow, I’m off track right from the beginning. Let me try this again.

Recently, I’ve noticed different things that have changed about myself. Which of course is only natural. We, as humans, are always changing. And me, a woman in my early twenties, is of course going to go through a great deal of growing and changes.

But the thing about changing is that you don’t usually notice it while it’s happening. Suddenly, you take a moment to step back and take a good hard look at things and realize, huh, I’ve changed.

Now when I say I’ve changed, I promise it’s nothing bad or anything like that. I’m not suddenly some three headed monster that they’ll be making cheesy sci-fi movies about. In fact, what I noticed most recently left me feeling very pleased and content with where my life was headed.

All my life, I have been a grudge holder. If you said or did anything that upset me even on the most minor of scales, you better believe I’ll be holding that over your head until the end of time. Don’t you dare think I’ll be letting any of that go. I will take that anger to the grave!

Admittedly, it wasn’t one of my best qualities. And it was something that I found to be quite distasteful in others. If someone was still ragging on another person for that thing they did ten years ago and have apologized seventy times since, I wanted to slap them silly. Just get over it! Why are you still mad?

Maybe seeing enough of that grudge holding and anger in others slowly and subconsciously made me prioritize being more forgiving. But, man, it can be really hard to just forgive someone! Especially when what they’ve done hurts on a deep level.

Suddenly, just the other day, I realized this trait that I have carried for many years is starting to fade. I was telling a story to a friend about someone I was close to in the past. I went on to explain why weren’t close anymore, and I realized that I couldn’t remember. I knew this person had said something to me that cut me deep. I wasn’t about to let them get close to me to hurt me again. But suddenly, just like that, the incident was practically erased from my memory.

I know some of you may be thinking, but wait Hannah, if you don’t remember what happened, aren’t you making yourself vulnerable to being hurt just as badly by this same person? Good question, imaginary person I made up. I understand your concern. But this would only be an issue if I forgot that they had in fact hurt me. You see, I still remember that this person hurt me, and so when potentially interacting with them in the future, I will have a bit of a guard up that I hadn’t had in the past. This doesn’t mean I will shut them out. But it also doesn’t mean that I’m just going to allow myself to be completely out in the open, free for them to take any shots they want. I’m no fool.

By forgetting what was said to me that set me off, I have freed myself of the burden of anger. I now have that energy freed that I can use elsewhere. Like writing this blog post! Woo!

I also thought this freedom of a grudge may have just been one person. But I got thinking about another person a day or two later, and realized that I had completely forgotten what sparked an argument between the two of us. It wasn’t as if I had focused on finally forgiving these people. The action of it was much different. I prioritized my life a little differently. And that energy wound up low on my priority list.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t one day sit down and say to myself, Hannah, it’s time to adjust your priorities. That’s not how my life works. It was more so just having a busy enough life that kept me going. I wound up too busy to sit back and think about those things. The other aspects of my life that wound up having a greater priority pushed themselves to the top all on their own. And shoved all of that grudge holding way down to the bottom.

I’m not saying I’m perfect, or that if you do something to hurt me, I’ll be over it in sixty seconds. But I’ve just noticed myself feeling happier and not quite so weighed down by unnecessary anger. At a certain point, without realizing it, I let go of things that didn’t matter. So what if I had my feelings hurt that one time? Or that tone was misinterpreted and left me feeling off balance? So what? Does it matter now? No. Life goes on.