Learning to Apologize Correctly

Learning to Apologize Correctly
I am learning how to apologize correctly. When we are little we are taught to apologize when we hurt someone or when we bump into them. Somewhere along the way, especially as a woman, I started apologizing for who I am and things I did. These were often not things that hurt anyone directly. I didn’t begin to notice this pattern until I got in the professional world. I work with very brilliant world changers; lawyers, activists, social workers, executive directors, and many more who are all powerful women. They are smart, kind, compassionate, and kick-ass. I quickly noticed that some of them apologized way too much. Apologized for not understanding something, apologized for an email sent a few hours late, apologized for entering the kitchen the same time someone else was exiting. That last one may be valid, it is kind to excuse yourself, but no reason to apologize profusely for solely existing and walking to their destination. They didn’t exit the kitchen windmilling their arms and punch dancing out, they were simply moving through the world and they felt the need to apologize.
I’ve watched these women who are decades older than me and whom I respect and have wondered why they apologize so much. I wonder why I apologize so much. I wonder why my mother who is actually the kindest most selfless human apologizes so much. Growing up, I don’t ever remember being taught that women should apologize more than men, or that I had anything specific that I needed to apologize for. I’m certain that there are many writers who have explored this concept much deeper than I will ever understand and I will leave that research to them.
Not long after entering the professional world I adopted, without realizing it, this apologetic posture. Almost every email I sent included an I’m sorry! And usually it wasn’t warranted. I wasn’t actively doing terrible things to people. I would apologize for not responding to an email within one business day (perish the thought!) I would apologize to Brandon for EVERYTHING. He would literally ask me, why are you apologizing, and I’d mumble out something about being in his way or I’d ask if he needed help and he’d say no he was fine, and I’d say oh I’m sorry. I apologized to my husband for offering to help him. That’s whack. Even typing that sentence made me scoff out loud. Recently I had some oral surgery and my mouth is a disaster zone and I was sitting with the dental hygienist and I LITERALLY apologized for my mouth being drooly and bloody and whatever else it was. It is her job to suction junk out of people’s mouths, not just mine, and I apologized. 1) she just sprayed the water in my mouth that made me all drooly and 2) it’s not my fault I’m missing over 50% of my teeth! That was about the time I realized this compulsion for constant apologizing needed to stop.
So, I did. I actively STOPPED apologizing. In my emails I would probably explain (if there was even a reason or a necessity to explain) why an email was late. Instead of saying I’m so sorry I didn’t get back to you last week I was out due to XYZ I’d say I was out of the office last week and am now responding to emails how can I help you… or something to that effect. Being on my honeymoon, or taking a personal day, or being sick, or having surgery are all NO reason to apologize. Also, I always have an automatic email response set up, so people can chill. My job leads me to very actively trying to help people and change the world at my job, but I am under no false assumptions that I am the be all and end all of life or that the world starts and stops due to me. If people are putting their livelihood in my hands via email, then we are probably all going down. I’m not saying I actively got ruder or less gracious. I tried to notice all the times in a day I apologized for existing and living and tried to remove the words I’m sorry from my vocabulary.
Somehow this anti-apology rebellion seeped into my marriage. I didn’t totally stop apologizing about things, but I definitely slowed down. Recently Brandon and I had a fight and I was upstairs crying and pouting and having a real good argument with Brandon…in my head. I was resolved to stay upstairs sitting on the floor until Brandon came after me. I needed him to apologize because SURELY, I was right in this situation. This is super embarrassing to admit, but I knew deep down that I was wrong. Not for everything but probably like 96% of the things we had fought about that day. That didn’t matter though, I was still waiting on him to chase after me and come console me because CLEARLY he should have heard me crying a whole floor below me. I swear I probably sat there for about an hour and continued to win argument after fake argument in my head with Brandon waiting on him to come find me and to make up. Then all at once the brilliant and life changing thought hit me, “Hannah, you literally know you’re wrong. Why don’t you go downstairs and apologize for what you did wrong?” I quickly dismissed this thought as being preposterous because Brandon is the dude and therefore should always come chase me when we are fighting. 1) that’s dumb 2) I WAS WRONG FOR 96% OF THINGS!!! In my head I stopped arguing with Brandon and started arguing with myself. That was less fun. I was very stern and told myself to swallow my pride and go downstairs and stand before Brandon and apologize for making him feel how I made him feel and ask for forgiveness. This was a REAL apology. Let me tell you…it was HARD. I don’t know if it was harder because I was so anti-apology lately or because I was really actually wrong and that’s hard to admit. I also felt really sad for how I had hurt Brandon. Marriage is not for the faint of heart, but that’s a whole other thing for another day.
I realized this weekend I need to go back to the roots of apologies. I need to apologize when I hurt people, and possibly when I bump into someone-although I can just say excuse me in those situations. Saying excuse me instead of apologizing would most definitely lead to more arguing. People are allowed to make mistakes, have lives outside their work email, and exit the kitchen when they need to exit the kitchen. We don’t need to apologize for moving through life as long as we are aiming to not hurt people along the way. I’ve recently been expanding the books I read to include more than straight White people (what a shocking revelation Social Worker Hannah) and I could honestly and earnestly spend the next 29 years apologizing for all the dumb things straight white people do and say. No one has asked me to so, and I suspect my time and energy is better spent moving forward and learning and growing than apologizing. As hard as it is, I’m happy to learn and apologize well and correctly for the things that warrant an apology.
Learning to apologize correctly is harder than I thought. It’s hard to swallow my pride and tuck my metaphorical tail between my legs and apologize when I have to. I remember in college being mentored by a woman who said she never apologized to her husband. She was several years older than the group of us she mentored, but even with the age difference I knew something wasn’t right with that. I don’t think she meant it maliciously at all and I knew her and her husband to have a wonderful marriage. Looking back, I think she was stuck in the prideful anti-apologetic culture I recently landed myself in. Learning to admit that your actions lead to a wrongdoing or sometimes worse, hurting someone you love is very hard. I’m still pretty new to marriage but I think admitting that I hurt Brandon is one of the hardest things ever. I vowed to love this man forever and I did things that ACTIVELY hurt him because in those moments I chose to control him instead of loving him.
Here’s throwing back to the basics of pre-school. Say you are sorry when you hurt someone. Say sorry when you did something wrong. Maybe you didn’t know your actions were wrong or hurtful at the time, so learn how to listen well and accept that they may have been wrong or hurtful to others. Don’t just mumble sorry under your breath, look the person in the eye and say I am sorry. I did ______ wrong or I did _____ that hurt you. Ask for real forgiveness. It’s harder than it seems but also real worth it in the end.
