The Testimony of a Brave (Fearful) College Student
Psalm 27:14 “Trust the Lord. Be brave and strong and trust the Lord.”
I am a very fearful person. I live my life in great fear of what comes next. I am an introvert at heart, and I hate stepping outside my comfort zone. Honestly, I would rather hide in my room and not talk to people. Standing in front of people and sharing my heart is one of the most terrifying things I have ever done. This may confuse or surprise some of you because, besides a nervous wreck, I am also a public speaker, a performer, and someone who puts on a very brave face to those who don’t know me. Even many of my closest friends don’t know the fear that lies within me because I have been very afraid that if I share all of the crazy within me that they will feel burdened by me and afraid to be my friend.
So why have I decided to share my heart with all of you? Well, the truth is, I am still not 100% sure why I am doing this. But, on just this past Tuesday, when I messaged Mrs. Hensley and asked if I could speak for the Bushnell-Prairie City Fellowship of Christian Athletes (FCA), sometime in the next two weeks and she asked if I could speak as soon as the upcoming Friday, I had to think fast on what to share.
I’ve always been told to write what I know. So, when I sat down at my computer and tried to figure out what to share with a room full of people who mostly somewhat already knew me, I decided I just need to be real. Because God knows where I am at and he knows my heart and he has been working hard in my life so that I can overcome my fear and help transform the stories of so many other people who let fear and hurt control their lives. And I knew I would have an easier time writing something to share with all of them if I was real and raw and honest. So, this is my raw, honest, and, vulnerable testimony that I shared with a room full of students from my high school. It is about the biggest change in my life that truly transformed my story by allowing me to surrender my heart and my story to God. I still struggle with fear and sin and fighting with God for control, but I am the healthiest I have ever been spiritually and am working harder every day to figure out God’s plan for my life.
I could go way back in my story for this to connect every little detail but that would take a long time and I’ve already rambled on for too long for more back story. So, I am just going to start with a big change and turning point in my life. Fall of 2018 I was unpacking my stuff into room 17 of 4-H house, my new college home. I was afraid, unsure, and felt unready to be there. I hadn’t expected my life to be this way yet. I had a plan to be section FFA president and stay closer to home for a whole extra year. Home meant I was with my family, my dog, closer to my boyfriend and my friends, and much more in my comfort zone. That plan ending up going in God’s direction, not mine. So here I was with a whole new world of choices and opportunities ahead of me, much further away from the life I knew.
This semester was rough. I was stressed. My relationship was rocky as distance created trust issues and communication barriers and when I felt like he was trying to control me, I often went out with my friends and did not always make the Christian decisions I know I should have made. School was strenuous. My body was not accepting much of the food I ate, and I didn’t know why. I applied to my first internship in September, competed in National public speaking in October, broke up with my boyfriend in November when the emotional stress just wasn’t good for either of us anymore, and then I completely went off gluten in December. I was a wreck, overwhelmed by a mountain of change. I needed a break.
Luckily, over my winter break, I took a two-week study abroad trip to Panama. While I was there, I got to stay in this hotel located in the middle of an extinct volcano. Mountains fully surrounded me, and I got to lay in a hammock every evening, reading my favorite books Let’s all be Brave and Looking for Lovely by Annie F. Downs, and my bible as the sun set over the beautiful mountains God put there. I prayed and prayed and wrote in my journal asking God what his purpose was for me. I felt purpose in the mountains and I even journaled that I was pretty sure I had a purpose in the mountains. I wrote to Him, “Please help me find a place like this to go that will help me, Lord. I don’t want to stay away from you Lord. Help me ignite the spark in me that will help me pursue the plan that you have for my life.”
It would have been so much easier if God answered my prayer right when I got back, but then I would have missed out on so much. You see, the internship that I applied for was through an Organization called Group Mission Trips. I didn’t want to say yes to this internship that would take me states away for a whole summer, but after praying and talking with people I trust, I decided it was what I was being called to do. From there, I ended up in Rocky Mountain National Park and then ended up being in Colorado the whole summer, surrounded by mountains.
This summer would end up being the hardest but the most amazing thing I had ever done. I got to speak Jesus into the hearts of people of all ages, backgrounds, and denominations. I learned through the hardest times and the most amazing moments that I needed to surrender my life to God to truly live and live a life for him. I sat on my air mattress one-night flipping through my past journal. I flipped to the page I wrote while I was in Panama. “Please help me find a place like this to go that will help me.”
My internship was the answer to this prayer. It didn’t come in the way I was expecting it to, but this was a place surrounded by mountains that was helping me strengthen my relationship with Jesus so that I could be healed. If I got section FFA president, I wouldn’t have come to U of I as a freshman, I wouldn’t have gone to Panama and written that prayer, I probably wouldn’t have broken up with my boyfriend which means I definitely wouldn’t have left to intern with Group. Suddenly everything was making sense. Be brave and be strong and trust the Lord. Wait for HIS timing.
You see, we all have mountains in our lives. Unfortunately, these mountains are usually not beautiful actual mountains they are ugly obstacles that cause us to distance ourselves from God. I did not trust God enough to trust His timing and trust that he was working on His purpose for my life. So, I was tempted to sin more and distance myself from so many things I loved because I was so afraid about what trusting Him would really look like. But once I decided to say yes and trust Him and allow Him to work through my life, he began to move the ugly mountains that were hurting me and started to reveal the beautiful plan He had for my life all along.
You all are and will be tempted by some pretty hard things in life, especially as you continue to grow and face your mountains of change. But I promise all of you, that putting your genuine trust in God will allow you to live the life you never thought you could live. “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11”
