Chicago Sightseeing Guide for the Feds

God smiles upon Chicago.

Hello! And Welcome to the Windy City!

No judgement, but we all know you don’t want to be here dealing with all that ~carnage~ (Boooooring). We don’t really want you here either.

BUT! I wanted to make sure you feel welcome and at home here in Chicago, so I’ve compiled a list of things you can do when you’re not mopping up the blood of our horrible, tombstone of a city:

The city stained with blood.

Willis and Hancock Towers: Get a birds eye view of the blood shed! There’s even this thing at the Hancock Tower where you can tilt and you feel like you’re falling as you tilt but you may get an anxiety attack when you do that and make a scene, so be careful! Also, call the Willis Tower the Sears Tower or you are dead to me.

This is the only royalty free photo of deep dish I could find. I don’t know why there’s shrimp on this. Gross.

Deep Dish:You gotta try the world famous Chicago Pizza. I mean come on! What could be better than a pizza flipped inside out? After all, our world is kind of a deep dish right now! HAHAHAHAH ha ha hah heh…

AMERICA.

Wrigley Field: It wouldn’t be a trip to Chicago without a visit to home of the WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS the Chicago Cubs! These underdogs when from Zero to Hero in no time flat. You wanna see some real carnage, watch these hotties play the Jets… or Twins… Manchester? I don’t know sports. One of those is baseball I think.

Check out the tail on that lion! eyyyy

Art Institute: If you’re tired of walking around with your guns and military grade gear, find some respite in the world class Art Institute. It’s got lots of art! Plus there are some really cool lions out front. Make sure you don’t climb them though or you will get in BIG trouble. Believe me, you don’t want to do that. Although, being the feds, so you could probably weasel your way out of getting arrested and having to do community service. If you want, though, you are welcome to place a jaunty Cubs hat atop the regal heads of the lions.

They’re blurry because it’s anonymous, okay? Jeez.

AA Meetings: Believe me. You’re gonna need these: www.chicagoaa.org

Get your laugh on!

Second City: This is the birthplace of angry SNL tweets! Come see the place where Tina Fey, Chris Farley, Aidy Bryant, Katie Rich (that horrible, mean person. BURN HER) and basically a bunch of other really famous comedians cut their teeth. I guarantee you will laugh a whole bunch! Or get really angry. Either way you will feel something. Something. At last.

Just in case you weren’t sure, this is a picture of the Trump Tower.

Trump Tower: This is the place to go if you would like to take time to love on Herr Trump. Feel free to come here, kiss the foundation and kneel before the guy who forced you to come to this incredible city. Word of caution: Prepare to be pelted with plush vagina dolls (dolls? maybe? stuffed animals sounds weird).

I feel more chill just lookin’ at this photo.

Baha’i Temple: While trying to clean up these brutal streets, I imagine you will have an existential crisis or two. If you’re feeling lost and thinking that there may be no reason to live, take the trek to the Baha’i Temple. You will feel refreshed and renewed, ready to take on the horrible citizens of Chicago.

We aren’t the most sanitary of cities.

Squirting Fountain Dudes: I don’t really understand these guys, but they are pretty cool! If you’ve ever wanted to see a giant man spitting on children, this is the place to go. In the summer time a really fun thing is to suddenly strip down to your skivvies and run under the waterfall of spit! Real good time. Real scared parents.

I’m not sure why it’s called the bean. Or Cloudgate. Just go with it.

The Bean (CLOUDGATE): Bring your fed-pals to the bean! Great spot for selfies and capturing memories. After all, you won’t want to forget your time here in the windy city, and let me assure you, a goofy photo with your buds in your fatigues will do just the trick.

I don’t know who this is. It popped up when I googled “royalty-free Chicago” so I figured he must be important.

These are just a few things of the myriad of experiences Chi-town has to offer! Enjoy your stay and keep our streets safe ya big lugs!

El Yeah!