So much is happening in the world, Almighty God. I just need a second of your time.

Here I am, at the foot of my bed, arms together in prayer begging you to do something about the state of the world. And Hurricane Harvey.

Okay so I know it’s been a while, God, but that’s not really my fault. A lot’s been happening, like the Taylor Swift and Katy Perry fued (#swishswishbish, am I right?? Suck it, Swift.) and now this hurricane terrorizing Texas. And while we can all agree that it’s true even the most powerful cosmic beings in the universe #dontmesswithtexas, I have a feeling you’re not taking us very seriously.

Social media is in a tizzy over the impending doom of all Texans, and I can’t help but worry about what’s going to happen to all the horses. They can’t swim! There are so many horses in Texas because you have to be a cowboy or a hairdresser to live there. I’m just worried that the horses won’t get rescued.

It’s cool that you’ve sent out civilians to rescue dogs this time, which was the fatal flaw in your Wilma and Katrina (to be honest, I really can’t think of any more hurricanes. Have there even been any others??) plans. That’s super considerate. Dogs are the best.

But, horses don’t deserve to drown just because of your oversight.

So, God, while I have a few other things to ask you, I just wanted to make absolutely certain someone was praying for the horses.

I don’t really feel the need to #prayfortexas in general, as everyone else is already doing that. But I’m going to do it anyway, because people need my help! I have no doubt that you’ll pull through once you hear the overwhelming collective voice of the people, begging you to help the Texans survive this disaster.

But please, God, the Texans won’t get any supplies or relief unless we all stay home and devote hours to praying for it. So don’t ignore our prayers.

They need food, first aid equipment, money, shelter, and probably a lot of other stuff. I’m just asking you to provide those things, if you can. They may not survive without it. And yeah, they’re putting on a brave face while they water ski across flooded roads, but what happens when their boats run out of fuel? Please send them more, so they can distract themselves from all the misery and pain.

What have the Texans done to earn your ire? All they do is ride horses, pray, shoot guns, and eat butter. They’re god-fearing Americans who pray like crazy, yet you won’t do anything for them. That’s so unhelpful, God. I thought you were better than this.

Anyway, that about wraps it up for me. Thanks for listening, God, and I hope you do the right thing.

Oh, shit!!! Wait a second, don’t leave!! I also need you to please grant me like a week or so of good hair because Todd is coming back into town for the week and it’s super important that I look #fleeky.

Also, please keep my friends and family healthy and safe.

Except for Madison, that bitch.

Until next time, God. And don’t forget — I’ll be watching you. Please do the right thing.

#prayfortexas #prayforhorses #madisonsucks

PS: In all seriousness, if you’d like to do more than just pray for Texas, please check out this resource for safety info/recovery assistance/donation efforts: https://www.texastribune.org/2017/08/28/hurricane-harvey-relief-efforts-how-help/

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