Casual Pyromaniac

Let me tell you about the many small fires I have started in my life…except I don’t mean “starting fires” in that figurative sense where one creates conflict for the sake of creating conflict. No, I’m talking about my storied history of creating small actual fires. I used to think that maybe I have “accidentally” set so many fires on “accident” but now that I have time to examine them all at length…well, I’m not so sure that I’m Not not a casual pyromaniac if you know what I’m saying’…at least subconciously.

To get the ball rolling: I seemed to have existed in a particular state of confusion regarding microwave operation for a handful of years during the early 2000’s. You’d think that maybe after the first microwave inferno I would’ve learned my lesson but the fact of the matter is, there’s a lot of different materials that can set ablaze via this modern wonder. Sometimes I was being lazy — i.e. : wow turning on the oven seems like a little too much work maybe I can cook this muffin mix in the microwave ~one minute and thirty seconds later~ Oh my God I was dead wrong I hope mom does not notice this plume of black smoke in the kitchen

More often then not I feel like maybe I was shortchanged in the department of common sense.

Now, I’m going to interrupt myself right here and say that they should probably make some legislature regarding those dang microwavable mac’n’cheese cups because those little suckers set on fire easier than things that set on fire a lot. Basically, for those of you readers who aren’t giant idiots or casual pyromaniacs like myself, if you try to make microwavable mac’n’cheese without first adding in the water, you will most likely burn your house down — which is not quite as fun as the Talking Heads make it out to be. What I’m proposing is some sort of consumer restriction, like with alcohol consumption you have to be 21 years of age and with microwavable mac’n’cheese, the cashier has to determine Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?™ or like, if you’re IQ is higher than the average rock.

Let it be known that I’m not the only person in my family to have suffered from this affliction…and after all aren’t we all just tabula rasas gone wrong due to our surrounding environments? On one memorable occasion my older brother woke up for school and was so tired he FORGOT the steps involved in making buttered toast. Let me break it down for you: 1) get bread, 2) put in toaster, 3) apply butter. WELL, things did NOT go as planned! So what happened was he took the bread, buttered the bread, AND THEN PUT THE BUTTERED BREAD IN THE TOASTER. Our entire toaster set on fire.

And if you’re wondering what happened: my mom grabbed the burning toaster with oven mitts and threw it out the window, where a great big pile of Chicago snow squelched the angry flames.

Last but not least I’m going to talk about bon fires. Bon fires are the most casual of gatherings which means they are particularly dangerous for people like me who dabble in both casualness and setting fires. So attracted to the flame, I have melted through my fair share of rubber shoes. More recently I relayed this story to a dear friend:

Last night we were by the bonfire and my friend flicked me in the face and goes, “wow your reaction time for being drunk is pretty good.” And I was like “I know right?” Then we looked down and my jeans were literally on fire.

““I set fire to the rain,” -Adele” and everything else too.” — Hannah Zahn