How I’m Making New Friends as an Introverted 20-Something
It hasn’t been easy, but it has been worth it.
I have officially entered the second half of my 20s, which means that many of my friends are in the midst of several life changes: getting married, moving in with a significant other, having babies, or moving to a different city. When I turned 26, I realized that most of my best friends no longer lived in my area. Marriage, careers, and bigger dreams had spread my friend group all over the country. I liked the idea of having a couch to crash on in San Diego, Nashville, or Phoenix, but it didn’t take away the emptiness I felt as my friends moved on to other adventures.
Making new friends has never come naturally to me. I am a tried-and-true introvert. I hate parties. I get social anxiety when I hang out with new people. I’m in a book club, but I haven’t been to a meeting in about 6 months. I avoid small talk at church on Sunday mornings. I am perfectly comfortable staying in and watching Friends with my husband on the couch every night. Still, the desire for more local friends has been a nagging voice within me in recent years.
It was about two months ago when yet another friend told me that she was moving across the country. As I thought through my list of friends and where they were all located, I realized that I would only have one friend left in my city. How sad. During my 20s, wasn’t I supposed to have a thriving community of gal pals, all on speed dial and available to brunch with me every weekend? Those pals were available to me in college, but when had that changed? As I sat with my east-coast-bound friend and her husband, sipping margaritas as they talked about their new Boston apartment, I decided then and there that it wasn’t just a desire to make some new friends. It was now my goal.
Most people want more friends
For years, I went around thinking that most people already had their established group of friends and weren’t open to making new connections. This simply isn’t true. As I have started the journey of meeting more people and cultivating a community, I have found from personal experience that there are a surprising amount of people who are actively looking to expand their circle.
I decided that my first step was to download Bumble BFF, the version of Bumble that is meant for friends, not dates. I met my husband on a dating app, so I figured if that was possible, why couldn’t I meet new friends on an app? I was curious to see how many people were using Bumble, and I also wondered if I would match with anyone at all. I had never met anyone who had made new friends on an app, and I had serious doubts that this would work.
I have had Bumble BFF for about a month now, and none of my fears were valid. I have had five coffee dates at this point, as well as countless conversations on Bumble with women of all different backgrounds. Some of them were in the same situation as me, who have lived in the area for years but found their friend group dissolving due to various circumstances. Others had just moved to the area and didn’t know anyone. Some were extroverts who already had a friend group, but wanted to expand their circle even more.
I was pleasantly surprised how many girls my age wanted to make new friends, and even more surprised how many women I matched with who reached out to me first. People want community! Based on the number of people I’ve encountered firsthand trying to make friends on Bumble, more people are looking for friends than you would think.
Embrace the awkward
Meeting new people can and will be awkward, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying. There will be awkward silences in the middle of conversations. There will be moments when you can’t think of anything to say. After hanging out with someone new, you will wonder if they will ever text you again. You will get ghosted at some point. It’s kind of like dating. Don’t let this be a discouragement. Being uncomfortable is part of the full experience of being human.
All five coffee dates that I have been on have gone relatively well. The positive moments that I have had while attempting to make new friends have outweighed the negative. There has been one person on Bumble who I have met up with twice now, and we text frequently. I think it could turn into a great friendship. There is someone else I met up with last week who I plan on seeing again. For me, finding two potential friends in such a short amount of time is a success.
Become a regular
If you don’t want to use an app to make friends, I recommend becoming a regular at a coffee shop, joining some sort of community group (like a book club or running club), or attending a church. The people you see frequently are the people that can become potential friends.
I have done this in two different ways. First, I started becoming more involved at my church. I play music with the worship team on Sundays, once or twice a month. While I haven’t made any close girlfriends through this, it has still cultivated a sense of community for me. I have met people from all walks of life who share my values and interests. I regularly see these people when we play music together, and during these times, we have great conversations. I love that I have these relationships with people much older and much younger than me. It adds depth to my perspective and gives me a sense of community outside of people my own age.
I have also become a regular at my local coffee shop. I didn’t originally do this to make friends. Working somewhere else besides my apartment allows me to be more productive, which was my main motivation. However, as you become a regular at a coffee shop or restaurant, you start to see others there who are also regulars, and they eventually become familiar faces. I would highly recommend this to someone who has just moved to a new city because it gives you some semblance of familiarity, which can make your new city feel a little homier.
One day while I was working at the coffee shop, a woman around my age walked up to me and struck up a conversation. We chatted for a few minutes and then she asked for my number. Now we have plans to see each other next week.
My first thought after that interaction was, “I think I just made a friend at a coffee shop. Is this what it felt like to live in the 90s?” My second thought was, “Wow, there really are other women my age who are actively looking for friends!” I completely admire my new friend’s courage and vulnerability to walk up to a stranger and strike up a conversation. I hope that someday I dare to do the same thing!
Get out of your comfort zone
The magic sauce of getting what you want in life is doing things that make you feel uncomfortable. Not only that, but you need to do these uncomfortable things consistently. I have been consistently asking people for their phone numbers, going out for coffee with strangers, and striking up conversations with new people. It doesn’t come naturally to me, but I am going to keep doing it because my desire for a bigger community is stronger than my desire to remain in my comfort zone.
Making new friends will feel incredibly vulnerable, especially as an adult. Lean into the vulnerability. Remember that the best things in life come from a place of simultaneous vulnerability and courage: falling in love, creating new art, taking big risks, heartfelt apologies, exploring new places, and forming new friendships.
Final Comments
If you are someone who feels like the only person out there who needs more friends, please know that you’re not alone. Loneliness is one of the greatest epidemics of our society today. We scroll through Instagram every night and see pictures and videos of people who look like they are having a better time than we are. In the age of social media, it is easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves with the highlight reel of everyone else’s life.
What you don’t see on social media are the people who are looking for more friends. They won’t advertise this because somehow we have equated needing new friends as something to be ashamed of, although I’m not sure why. Especially as we venture back out into the world after a pandemic, many of us are realizing that we are not where we want to be in our social lives. Some of us have grown apart from old friends, moved to different cities, or simply want to expand our circle to include other people. The beautiful thing is that if you want to make new friends as an adult, there are plenty of other people out there who are also looking for the same thing- you just have to get out there and find them.
