
I Am Also Part of the Resistance Working Inside the Trump Administration
Guys, don’t worry. It’s all under control. Sure, as you all know, President Trump has the temperament of a toddler, the ego of fourteen frat guys named Doug who just won a butt-chugging contest, and the future of democracy itself within the grasp of his tiny hands, but it’s ALL GOOD. We’re on it!
Just to be clear, when I say I am part of the “resistance,” I do not mean I am one of those snowflake lefties who sings “Kumbaya” every night after eating a bowl of kale chips and worshipping the troll goddess Samantha Bee. Those people want free appendicitis surgeries, door-less bathrooms, and humane treatment of people who are trying to escape persecution in their home countries. I am NOT one of those pansy losers, thank you very much.
We are the resistance that wants the administration to succeed as long as it serves our personal interests and those of the gigantic corporations who fund the Republican Party. Our first duty is to ourselves and our second duty is to our donors, but our third duty is to the country and for that reason, we are working hard behind the scenes so you all can stop worrying and be easy breezy lemon squeezy.
We are slowly chipping away at the madness of the would-be king. Like a freighter that must turn by degree, we are turning the president at a glacial — some would say unnoticeable — pace. But just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. Think of it this way: the Titanic would have stayed afloat if the Captain had steered directly into the iceberg. See? You’re feeling better already.
We are so stealth in our resistance, good ole’ Donny J. can’t even tell that his plans are constantly being derailed by our ninja-like moves. Sure, you could say that he’s been able to sneak some stuff past us: like having unsupervised meetings with a known war criminal, tweeting threats at private citizens, and a litany of other madness, but it’s all good in the hood! Frankie says relax!
Admittedly, we thought about invoking the 25th Amendment and getting him the hell out of the Oval Office and back to his golden toilet, but we did not want to start a constitutional crisis by using the Constitution the way it was intended. Instead, we decided we’d much rather have a humanity crisis and just cross our fingers and hope for the best until the four (eight?!?) years were over.
Don’t get me wrong, the President is an absolute lunatic. He changes his mind as often as Melania changes the locks on her bedroom door, but you can all just take a chill pill! We use extremely subtle negotiation tactics to make sure whatever decision he lands on, it’s the one that serves our hateful and racist agenda. What? Don’t tell me that if you had the opportunity to play the leader of the free world like a puppet you wouldn’t take it.
I know some people out there are freaking out and saying that the country has already gone off the rails, but you really don’t have to be concerned. We’ve been pulling the strings all along. Those kids who still haven’t been reunited with their families? That was on purpose! The systemic rolling back of environmental protections? Totally part of the plan! The normalization of Nazism? Uh…who has two thumbs and is this guy? Er…I mean, girl. Forget I said that. Anyway, I bet you’re breathing easy now.
The true tragedy in all of this is the loss of decorum. If Americans are known for anything, it’s our manners. The timing of the death of the honorable Sen. John McCain is prescient as his loss marks a blow to American civility. But we will honor Sen. McCain by following in his footsteps and siding with President Trump, an abhorrent human being with no moral center, the vast majority of the time.
I hope this has quashed your fears and you all can rest easy tonight, knowing that your country is not being crushed in the hands of a madman, but instead coddled by some opportunistic insiders who are only looking out for their own bottom lines.
