Polyamory & Conscious Relating
Personal developments have me considering the nature of relating intimately, the normative socially constructed and imposed expectations, fears, and behaviors that we adopt and project when building a romantic connection, and how they exacerbate insecure attachment. Practicing polyamory means that commitment and safety in relationships are not secured through the arbitrary rules of the monogamous exclusivity agreement, or through the relationship escalator.
There are no socially contracted “safeguards” to do any of the heavy liftings in establishing emotional security. This means that the work and heavy lifting of establishing trust comes through the commitment to radical honesty, transparency, and vulnerability to build a foundation between parties. To be honest, transparent, and vulnerable requires work to be aware of your emotions, triggers, trauma, insecurities, attachment style, needs, and desires. To share those parts of yourself intimately takes courage.
The reason most of our triggers and insecurity in relationships exist is that we did not have our needs met (in childhood or at some point in the past) and we implicitly expect a similar outcome in our intimate relationships, making it terrifying to risk showing those parts for fear of rejection, disappointment or abandonment.
In many of my experiences of heteronormative monogamous relationships, this step is skipped completely, falling back on the “security” of the relationship title and its implicit/unspoken rules and regulations to carry the relationship forward, foregoing the building blocks from the beginning that create a solid foundation.
Unsurprisingly to me now, those relationships crumbled when inevitably those fears and insecurities were expressed indirectly. And worse, reinforced through a feedback loop of creating the very thing I was afraid of; being emotionally let-down, or left alone. Society teaches women that we need a man to choose us, to love us, to allow us to feel self-love and self-value. That our value is determined by being ‘’chosen’’ exclusively.
Society teaches men that their value to women is in what resources they can offer, not their capacity to show love, and that their status amongst their peers and sense of esteem is determined by their ability to acquire women’s bodies and attention. It’s a lose-lose for relationships, with conflicting motives, driven by socially constructed idealism about what constitutes self-worth. The narrative of “needy” women and “aloof” men. The old ball and chain idiom.
Polyamory removes the safety net of the transactional monogamous gender agreement and forces the responsibility onto the individual to show up in real-time and offer something of substance, rather than a social contract with no terms of true intimacy. There is no room for emotional laziness, there is no contract to use as a crutch. It is up to all individuals involved to decide at each moment if they are receiving and providing value to one another.
To actually choose each other in each moment rather than feel bound by obligation or fear of being alone/rejected/disappointed. It challenges each person to consciously address what they are projecting and what they are avoiding, to be present with each other emotionally, rather than in a state of constant emotional limbo of unaddressed fear, hurt, uncertainty, and resentment.
To be able to experience what love actually feels like without the anxious-avoidant push and pull. Falling in love does not have to feel like falling off a cliff. It is our almost instant unconscious appraisal, that love presents a threat, which creates the ‘butterflies’ and concurrent anxious or avoidant behavior. It requires becoming aware of our emotional responses and to establish personal boundaries based on what we actually want rather than what we are conditioned to want.
I refuse to accept emotional crumbs in transactions for an empty promise of security that leaves me feeling emotionally starved or stagnant for the sake of “commitment”. I choose to trigger myself through love so I can bring my pain and trauma to the surface to be healed. Those who are emotionally equipped to provide a safe space for me to do so, receive the gift in return of my love in its grand, fearless, boundless totality. I choose self actualisation and complete love over the safety of exclusivity.
I’ve experienced accelerated self-growth and emotional awareness in embracing polyamory, not just as a choice of relationship style, but as part of my identity. There have been very painful, uncomfortable, and difficult moments, which catapulted me into addressing deep seeded fears, triggers, and insecurities. Each time they are brought to the surface to be healed it has freed up mental and emotional space for me to find a sense of self-worth, self-love, and understanding of my value that is not determined by the appraisals of others.
I consider myself solo-polyamorous, in that I am in a primary relationship with myself first. My goal through practicing open, conscious relating is to grow and learn about myself through relationships, be they platonic, romantic, sexual, or other.. these relationships do not receive a hierarchy based on these contexts.
Those who meet my criteria, and who enter my circle are cherished for their participation in my self-growth. And through participation in teaching me to love myself and others unconditionally, they experience my love, unwavering support and loyalty, my strength of character, and always ideally, self-growth in return.
