Sexual Exclusivity — An Exploration

The Way of a Seducer talks about life, not about a certain lifestyle.

Keeping this in mind, I address an issue a lot of men deal with at some point in their life: we desire to see more than one woman, and struggle with (not) telling it to the other woman, or women, in our life and how we can have her accept our desires.
 (Even the mere fact of celebrating other women opens up this issue with the woman we are with. If you do not desire to see other women, you can read what is underneath with those eyes. How to celebrate women without offending your girl?)

Without making any moral stance on the matter, the issue has larger repercussions on the issue of accepting our sexuality, and thus, is of interest to any man who wants to grow in excellence and in his relationship with women.

This conversation I had with a friend, is a common one:

“Hans, how do you tell your women that you are seeing, or want to see others?”

I do not need to tell them anymore. They know.

“How do they know?”

They know because I am the guy who sees other women. I have accepted that of myself, and so I am not trying to hide it out of shame or fear that I might lose her.

“So you are actively showing it to them?”

I rarely have to consider how to communicate it to her by words or actions. When you are that guy, when you have accepted it for yourself, communication to her is secondary and automatic. This does not mean I do not want to be in a relationship… but it does mean that if I want to see other women, that I have absolutely no shame about it. I accept myself the way I am, and I am not afraid to want what I want. Because I accept it, she knows.

I used to have to tell her about my desire to make sure she understood, and in hindsight I see this is because I had not completely accepted it myself… I felt shame for it and wished that I was not that way.
 When you accept it, she will know and she will accept it too. She may want something different, but she will never dislike you for it, and you will be surprised how most women will rather be with a man who is honest about wanting to see other women, than a guy who hides his desire for women both to her and to himself.

“Is it a take-it-or-leave-it deal?”

It is never a take-it-or-leave-it deal. As you know my greatest joy is to be in a relationship, and I am not the guy who wants to jump on anything that moves. But I am much bigger on loyalty then I am on fidelity, and if she is a beautiful woman, the kind of woman I am attracted to, chances are big that she will be too… or at least wants to give it a shot. It’s a tricky thing to say, but most women will allow you all kinds of liberties with other women, as long as you make her feel like a queen.

In my last relationship for example, we never spoke explicitly about these issues. “You do whatever you feel” is all she said, and we never spoke about it again. Yet there was no misunderstanding.

There was no misunderstanding?”

None. I am convinced that if there is a misunderstanding, it is because you have not fully accepted who you are and what you want. You are not clear about it and you have not accepted it. If this is the case, then I think it is your job to tell her about your desire. If nothing else, this is the way to get clarity on what you want, and to fully accept who you are. Once you do, she will too, and this goes without saying.


This article was written by Hans Comyn, and originally posted on his blog.

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