Beginner’s Mind

Erik Hansen
Sep 5, 2018 · 13 min read
Oto Mi, Enso

People say that practicing Zen is difficult, but there is a misunderstanding as to why.

It is not difficult because it is hard to sit in the cross-legged position, or to attain enlightenment. It is difficult because it is hard to keep our mind pure and our practice pure in its fundamental sense.

— Shunryu Suzuki, Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind

In my own attempts to practice Zen Buddhism, I found meditating to be a challenge. My knees would ache quickly and my mind would wander constantly. But as Suzuki says, the real difficulty of Zen Buddhism has less to do with its physical practice, and much more to do with preserving that same mindset one has at the beginning of one’s practice, what he calls the “beginner’s mind” or “original mind.”

Our original mind includes everything within itself. It is always rich and sufficient within itself. … This does not mean a closed mind, but actually an empty mind and a ready mind. If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything; it is open to everything.

If I understand it correctly, the key to Zen is not learning to sit without feeling pain in the knees — that pain will likely alway be there. Instead, the key is to preserve your beginner’s mind, the mind that is open and whole, the mind you have at the very beginning of your practice.

Having now returned to Mormonism, I believe a similar insight applies. For most of my life, I’ve misunderstood what truly makes this faith difficult to live. In the past, I focused far more on the relative merit of my actions and behavior, rather than the state of my heart and mind. And it seems to me now that by taking care of the latter, the former more or less takes care of itself.

Before returning to the faith, I believed the challenge of Mormonism was finding the discipline to keep all the commandments, all the time. There were just so many of them. Praying every day, reading the scriptures, going to church every week, keeping the sabbath holy, fasting once a month, giving fast offerings, paying your tithing, doing your family history work, going to the temple often, serving in a calling, serving in your community, keeping a journal, keeping the Word of Wisdom, keeping yourself morally clean, sharing the gospel with your friends and neighbors, and on and on and on.

Even at my best, it seemed I could only keep some of them some of the time, but never all of the them all the time. All through high school and onto my mission, I struggled greatly with a deep sense of inadequacy. Growing up, I had leaders who would say, “Where much is given, much is expected,” and no one expected more of me than I did. But despite my best efforts, I never seemed to meet the standards I set for myself. Eventually, I began to believe I simply didn’t have the discipline it took to be a true disciple of Christ.

Looking back, I’ve realized that this feeling of unworthiness is the real reason behind why I chose to leave. For years I told myself my faith had been shattered by inconsistencies in the church’s narrative; by what I perceived to be hypocrisy on the part of some of the church’s leaders and members; by practices or policies I found incompatible with my values. Having come full circle with my faith, I see now how all those rational attacks against the church were really a cover for an emotional wound, self-inflicted long ago and never properly treated.

For so long, I felt like I had disappointed God by not being more than what I was. That feeling of shame ate away at me, until I finally decided that it would be better to simply walk away.

(I want to be clear here though — even though this was my experience, I am not saying that everyone who chooses to leave does so because of guilt. There really are honest seekers of truth whose journeys simply lead them elsewhere.)

As I weighed the costs of returning to the fold, the fear of those same feelings of guilt and shame were what held me back most. I wasn’t sure I wanted to put myself through all that again. But when I finally chose to commit myself fully, something truly unexpected happened.

The commandments I had dreaded were not the great and painful sacrifices I had remembered them to be. I found myself uplifted and sustained by my prayers. Reading the word of God nourished my soul. Sunday became the best day of the week. Every talk and lesson in church became a spiritual feast. Paying tithing became a true privilege. I sought out opportunities to share my new faith with others. I yearned for a calling, for a chance to give back for everything I had been given. The commandments no longer felt like obstacles in my way, but rather stepping stones on my path back to my Father in Heaven. My heart had changed.

This is why I believe Christ, when asked which commandment was the greatest in the law, replied by saying, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.” When we love God with all our soul, our willingness to keep all His other commandments seems to follow naturally, almost effortlessly. We don’t need discipline to devote ourselves to what we love.

For this reason, I’ve come to believe that the real challenge of Mormonism is not learning to keep each of its commandments every moment of every day, but rather in preserving that mighty change of heart we feel at the moment of our conversion. A ‘beginner’s heart,’ if you will.

As Alma asks a group of believers,

And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now? (Alma 5:26).

I’ve read the fifth chapter of Alma often over the past five months, because nothing matters more to me than preserving this change of heart. It’s something I’ve devoted quite some time and thought to, and I feel fortunate to say that I’ve begun to receive some clarity on how best to do so.

In my mind, the key to preserving this change of heart is simply to remember the goodness and mercy of God.

And … as ye have come to the knowledge of the glory of God, or if ye have known of his goodness and have tasted of his love, and have received a remission of your sins, which causeth such exceedingly great joy in your souls, even so I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness, and his goodness and long-suffering towards you, unworthy creatures, and humble yourselves even in the depths of humility, calling on the name of the Lord daily, and standing steadfastly in the faith of that which is to come.

And behold, I say unto you that if ye do this ye shall always rejoice, and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of your sins; and ye shall grow in the knowledge of the glory of him that created you, or in the knowledge of that which is just and true. (Mosiah 4:11–12).

As we choose to remember Him, we are promised to ‘always have His Spirit to be with us.’ And it is the Spirit that changes our hearts, and preserves that change.

[T]he Spirit … has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually (Mosiah 5:2).

The Spirit is also given to us to help us to remember Him, more so than we could alone.

But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance (John 14:26).

I’ve now come to believe that each and every one of the commandments we’ve been given has the same purpose and objective — to invite us to remember God and, by so doing, open our hearts to his Spirit.

Five Habits to Remember God

As I’ve sought to preserve this recent change of heart, I’ve done my best to put the following five habits into practice. None of these are new or revolutionary. But they are new for me in that I now strive do them mindfully, or with what the Book of Mormon calls ‘real intent.’ I was a little hesitant to call them habits, because I’ve learned that while consistency is key, it’s also essential not to let them become rote or habitual. I’ve learned that if they aren’t done mindfully, they might as well not be done at all.

The first habit is, of course, to pray.

Someone once said, “Are you praying with your lips or with your heart?” I don’t know how many prayers I’ve said that have been nothing more than dead words, without any thought to breathe life into them. I’ve really tried to change that, to make my prayers become real, meaningful conversion with my Father in Heaven.

I’ve also worked to changed the focus of my prayers. Before, my prayers were mostly about asking God for what I wanted or felt I needed in my life. These days, however, I try to devote the first half of my prayer to giving gratitude for the blessing I’ve already received. This change was prompted by a talk given by Elder Eyring, entitled “Remembrance and Gratitude.” In it he wrote,

There is a great tendency for us in our prayers and in our pleadings with the Lord to ask for additional blessings. But sometimes I feel we need to devote more of our prayers to expressions of gratitude and thanksgiving for blessings already received. We enjoy so much.

You could have an experience with the gift of the Holy Ghost today. You could begin a private prayer with thanks. You could start to count your blessings, and then pause for a moment. If you exercise faith, and with the gift of the Holy Ghost, you will find that memories of other blessings will flood into your mind. If you begin to express gratitude for each of them, your prayer may take a little longer than usual. Remembrance will come. And so will gratitude.

I’ve learned that nothing brings me closer to God, nothing fills me with the Spirit more, than taking a few minutes to truly give thanks to my Father in Heaven for all the goodness he has blessed me with. Of all the changes I’ve tried to make over the past few months, this change has been the one that has meant the most to me, has made the greatest difference in my life.

The second habit is to read and ponder the word of God.

Like prayer, my study of the scriptures has often lacked the mindfulness necessary to truly invite the Spirit. This quote by Elder Eyring prompted me to change my approach to reading the words of the prophets.

Our faith [is] increased by our reading, studying, and pondering the scriptures. We have all heard those words. Yet we may read a few lines or pages of scripture every day and hope that will be enough.

But reading, studying, and pondering are not the same. We read words and we may get ideas. We study and we may discover patterns and connections in scripture. But when we ponder, we invite revelation by the Spirit. Pondering, to me, is the thinking and the praying I do after reading and studying in the scriptures carefully. (“Serving with the Spirit,” 2010)

I’ve learned it isn’t enough to simply open the book — your mind and your heart have to be open as well.

The third habit is to keep a journal.

We often hear the suggestion to keep a record of our spiritual experiences, and having come back to my faith, it’s become even more clear to me why we are counseled to do so. In these past few months, I’ve realized how many of the spiritual witnesses I had received as a young man and a missionary I had forgotten. I had buried those memories deep within in my mind, so deep I had forgotten they were even there. Not only does journaling help us to remember those experiences, I’ve found that by doing so, I recognize them more clearly and more often.

Again, it was Elder Eyring who inspired me to make this practice a habit. From one of his conference addresses,

… I wrote down a few lines every day for years. I never missed a day no matter how tired I was or how early I would have to start the next day. Before I would write, I would ponder this question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?”

As I kept at it, something began to happen. As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. As that happened, and it happened often, I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done.

More than gratitude began to grow in my heart. Testimony grew. I became ever more certain that our Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. I felt more gratitude for the softening and refining that come because of the Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ. And I grew more confident that the Holy Ghost can bring all things to our remembrance — even things we did not notice or pay attention to when they happened. (“O, Remember, Remember,” 2007)

I truly believe the more we reflect on and show our gratitude for the witnesses we receive God, the more he will provide us with as time goes on.

The fourth habit is to share the gospel with others.

I’ve had the chance to go out teaching with the missionaries a few times since returning to the faith, and every time it’s helped me to remember why it is I’ve chosen to do so. They say nothing strengthens your testimony more than sharing it with others, and I really have found that to be true.

And behold, when I see many of my brethren truly penitent, and coming to the Lord their God, then is my soul filled with joy; then do I remember what the Lord has done for me, yea, even that he hath heard my prayer; yea, then do I remember his merciful arm which he extended towards me. (Alma 29:10).

The fifth habit is to mindfully partake of the sacrament.

Of course, the very purpose of the sacrament is to give us the opportunity to remember God and by so doing, receive His Spirit. In the words of President Kimball, “Our greatest need is to remember. That is why everyone goes to sacrament meeting every Sabbath day — to take the sacrament and listen to the priests pray that [we] ‘… may always remember him and keep his commandments which he has given [us].’”

While there were times in the past when I would take it with gratitude and appreciation, more often than not I took the sacrament without much thought. These days, I try to make a conscious effort to prepare myself beforehand. Every week I’ll ask myself, “What changes do I need to make to have the Spirit with me more often?” During the sacrament, I make a real effort to focus my thoughts on the Savior and His atonement. For the first time in my life, I can truly say the sacrament has become one of the best experiences of my week.

I feel grateful to say these habits really have helped to preserve this change of heart, this beginner’s heart. And while I know it will be a challenge and a struggle to continue to do so as the months and years go on, I also have no doubt these changes can be made to last.

I want to end this post the same way I did the first — by thanking each of you for everything you’ve done for me. I was deeply moved by the responses I received, and I don’t have the words to say how much it meant to me. I just thank God for the privilege of having all of you in my life.

    Erik Hansen

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