I gave six years of my life to a man that never loved me. It was one of those dramatic relationships that started as often as it ended. He had a drug problem, a drinker, abused as a child. I was completely naïve to it all. Of course he would go missing for days and then just stroll back in and act like it was odd that I had been worried about him. For the majority of our relationship I was taking antidepressant and anti anxiety medication because I was so sad all of the time..( as soon as he was gone, I suddenly didn’t need these things anymore). I was sad, except for those moments of euphoria. When he WOULD come home and play house with me. He had my lips tattooed on his neck; my nickname on his chest. I was his forever right? We would have beautiful dinners and wine filled nights that ended in dancing and amazing sex. These were the highs that made up for the lows. During one low, he threw food at me during an argument. Friends saw bruises. I can’t say that I was never the antagonist. When I met him I felt like I was in one of the best places of my life. I had recently lost a 60 lbs, was exercising daily.. I was happy! I had worked on myself because you know, if you just keep working on yourself like something is wrong with you, just as you are, once you work long enough you will be rewarded with the partner of your dreams. Haven’t you read that somewhere before? We are meant to believe that we are somehow flawed and then at the end of it all you realize that you are actually more flawed than you were to begin with because now, not only do you carry your precious imperfections but now you carry the scars of living in an abusive dramatic relationship. Now you feel as though you can trust no one. That you will never be loved again and that if you weren’t worthy of love at your best, you are certainly not going to be worthy of love now. It’s all bullshit, right?

Even when it was over, it wasn’t over. We continued to speak on an irregular basis, enjoy some of that great wine and sex every so often. All the while he had started another family, with another woman. While we were together I had three abortions because I always felt like the timing wasn’t right, he wasn’t right. He wasn’t right and I refused to bring a child into this world that would be sorry enough to call him daddy. I see my role in all of this; hell, I’ve spent a year understanding my role in this. I’ve continued the work, to try to understand how, at the one of the best times in my life, I was drug into a pit so deep that still, I wonder how I ever climbed out.

So here it is. Don’t stay. If you see the red flags. If you have to compromise yourself. If he tells you that you are crazy; you’re making things up in your mind. You aren’t. Run. Run as fast as you can. And be prepared for the next beautiful lesson that awaits you around the next corner.