To Those Who Showed Me Life is Beautiful
We’re so consumed with love, yet no one interestingly thinks of their own being. Imagine being told you have an illness, but there’s no direct cure. There is never a light switch that turns on and you say “I’m cured, I’m better.” Depression is real, and it cannot being easily shaken. There’s no discrimination between age, race, gender, politics, etc. It can affect anyone. It’s an ongoing process that hinders one’s ability to find beauty in life’s moments.
You see at a young age I had these thoughts of dwelling on insecurities, highlighting my flaws, sheltering the “ positives” — as the negative actions enforced my worth. After all, isn’t this what all my peers went through? But what happens if the ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ doesn’t seem to come? What if the world turns grey and there’s no energy left in you? Yeah, it’s hard getting out of bed — but truly what if there’s a sense of loneliness and guilt that follows you. Isn’t that what all kids deal with? It was always a silent topic in school, about love and worth. I can tell you what PEMDAS mean, but I couldn’t answer if I was asked to write a list of things on how to cope or ask for help. Teen pregnancy was the bigger scare than wanting to take your own life.
My life was eaten away by my unspoken illness. It indulgence my happiness, stripped my values, and became a boundary to my friendships. It hid away my precious moments and numbed my emotions. Depression refused to give back any life I lost in my years. Not only did it become apart of my characteristics. It consumed me.
I was admitted to the partial hospitalization, after I questioned my quality to life. I had no interest in this world and my soul was content with risky behaviors and suicidal decisions. Hope was such a meaningless word. I grew overwhelmed on the first day because I found no use in the program around me. All my mind questioned, was the idea of “deserving” and I was a unfit candidate. I was skeptical, being told “you couldn’t care for others, until you care for yourself” — yet what they didn’t understand is I’ve been putting others issues before mine for my entire being.
For me; treatment was seeing a therapist, going to support groups, being open with doctors, using the involvement of social workers, tweaking prescribed medications, also being honest with myself. It required comprehensive care. I realized that my illness wasn’t like a car. One you could take into the shop and become fixed, rather my illness authorized ongoing maintenance.
Discovering myself wasn’t always easy, but the surroundings of encouragement and resources for well-being aided my acceptance. Treatment showed my mind that you can matter and make differences, even if there small steps. Recovery was my full time job, yet after eight hours; I couldn’t just clock out.
I realized life moves around us and sometimes we grow stuck. We watch the seasons change but we remain in a box unseen. Depression throws you in a box where you grow terrified and isolated. We miss the opening to find our way out because we get use to life in darkness. Yet, sometimes it takes time for our eyes to readjust to the light.
Right now, you might be in a situation that you think you won’t survive. For so long you will feel like you are drowning: until one day-week-month-year something will change and you will be filled with air in your lungs. Whenever your time might come, you will soon breathe in life and out the pain that once left you breathless. The point is one day you will surprise yourself and make it through. There’s beauty out in this world, one day it will be yours.