How to Become a Real Racist©

Several plates of food on a table with people in the background | via (under CC0 license)

Are you a young Black, Indigenous, and/or Person of Color (BIPOC)? Are you tired of instinctively needing to change the pitch or volume of your voice around your nice neighbors in your nice neighborhood? Are you exhausted of getting asked from which thrift shop you got your totally unique ethnic clothes? Are you worn out from having to decline Jan’s essential oil tasting invites?

Then this guide is for you!

The secret is in our patent non-existent 5-step guide to becoming a Real Racist©. That’s right! All you have to do to gain your coworker’s, neighbor’s, and barista’s ire and never be invited to another white supremacist singer-turned-senate candidate concert is to become a Real Racist©!

When you become a Real Racist©, you become the source of all anger, fear, and discomfort for all the white people in your life. What’s that you say? You’re a BIPOC and there aren’t any structures in place that position you in power that you could enact racism against white people? It doesn’t matter! Nobody cares!

Soon you’ll never have to see another of Chad’s pictures from Africa over bellinis ever again! You won’t even be invited! All you have to do is follow these 5 easy steps and without fail you’ll be a Real Racist© in no time:

  1. Find white people
  2. Be around white people
  3. Wait 47 seconds
  4. Quickly explain why that last sentence was racist
  5. Become a Real Racist©!

And it’s really just that easy! Follow these five quick and easy steps and you’ll never have to worry about another toilet-less bluegrass music festival invite ever again! In fact, people might even start running out of the room or crossing to the other side of the street when they see you!

It doesn’t matter that there are no systems of oppression or power dynamics that privilege you over white people. Simply point out plain racism for what it is and you’ll instantly become the Real Racist©! Because there’s really nothing in existence that’s more racist than pointing out racism!

And once you’re a Real Racist©, never again will you have to go to yet another fusion restaurant that seems to be “fusing” together everything except flavor. Never again will you find yourself uncomfortably fake laughing at your coworkers’ jokes. And never again will you have to console The Allies© at your local non-profit.

So click the links below for more information now! Click within the next decade and you could win advanced copies of our upcoming companion guides: “How to Become a Real Sexist©” and “No, You’re the Bigot!”.

PS Yes, it’s generally stylized as the “Real Racist tm”, where the “tm” is in superscript. However at the time of writing, Medium only supports superscripts for n¹u²m³b⁴e⁵r⁶s⁷.

PPS This is satire. Mostly.

Looking for more? Other works can found on Twitter(@happygoholly0) and my Medium profile