7 Things We Do Towards Having Healthy Relationships
We are one of the hundred couples who got married in the world pride’s biggest gay wedding in June 26th, 2014 in Toronto. Each year during our anniversary, we started a tradition to renew our vows to each other. This is our second anniversary and our first year to publish our vows in the form of 7 tips to a mature and healthy relationship. These are based on lessons learned as a married couple thus far that we plan to revisit from time to time. Because time is not constant and we are constantly changing, it is better to check in and not take each other for granted.
#1. Find out about each other’s deal breakers and discuss how you will build the relationship around them.
The deal breakers are each other’s bottom line. Once the line is crossed, it is usually very hard to turn back. So here you are giving each other the opportunity to get to know you and respect your boundaries.
What’s going to break your individuality? Who are you without being in a relationship? It is never safe to assume that your knowledge about yourself is “common sense.” Ask each other and find out about the other person’s idea of relationship. Who you are in a relationship might surprise the other person. Promise to be nonjudgemental about each other’s boundary and be respectful. It is best to discuss these in the beginning of the relationship. No, you do not magically get to know each other’s boundary by spending time together. Misunderstandings and misinterpretations about each other can happen even in a marriage after forty years. Mature and healthy relationship requires communication and negotiation.
#2. Accept the fact that “being right” is not the most important thing in relationship.
We can sometimes forget about each other in a heated moment. Connecting back to the moment and pay attention to how you are impacting your partner? Was there something missed? How are you feeling? Return to your senses and drop your head for a second.
Relationship breaks because of misunderstanding. It hurts not to be seen and heard especially from the person you love. The key is that our brain does not do a good job understanding heart. Traveling from heart to head sometimes creates machine like responses to each other when it is your heart that got hurt. Feelings are often unexplainable and complicated, tho the truth is simple. Being kind, and patient requires more energy. Remember that you’re connected to the other person’s heart, and the whole body. There’s no better feeling than being seen with even the ugliest and craziest part of you and still be loved.
#3. Stay on the table
Come to an agreement that you will not give up on each other. Sometimes it is easier for us to not talk about a disagreement and never return to the topic. Even if it’s difficult to stay on the table, it is important to stay with the feeling.
Commit to having a discussion and stay on the table. Misunderstandings happen. I made a mistake of yelling at my partner. I kept anger from her for so long, I exploded. I cannot hold it anymore. A moment of emotional explosion happens. Make a choice to remember that I am not alone in this fight. When I am lonely, the other person is also lonely. Commit to show even the ugliest side of yourself because your whole self is in the relationship. Just promise to come back to the discussion and take a break when needed. Check with each other where you are. Sometimes the best thing is to pay attention to how difficult it is to stay on the table.
#4. Compromise
Love is doing the irrational will of others. It might feel like it is impossible to meet the other person in the middle. What you can do is love the person even if you cannot meet in the middle. Work on your skills of negotiating. Pity? Cheesy comments? Compromising takes patience and lots of practices. Relationships are all about compromises from choosing a dinner menu to deciding on a honeymoon location.
It’s not about what your needs are or about what the other needs are. It’s about building the relationship together and finding out what is important for both of you and working out through the differences to find a common ground that will work for you.
#5. Closing the back door
You will have disagreements and sometimes it can be unbearable and both of you may not be hearing each other. Closing the back door is agreeing that it is perfectly fine to not come to agreement and no matter what, both of you will not seek the easy way out. Agree that the back door is shut and you both will work through whatever it is that you are going through in the moment. This is different from staying on the table but definitely still part of it.
What are you committing yourself to? Pay close attention to your excuses to close the door on the other person. Were you waiting for the other person to say the last word so you don’t have to be the one breaking up the relationship? I am giving up on this, I knew this would not be a good idea? What are your excuses, and how are you using it? There are no good/bad reasons to break up the relationship. Mature/healthy relationship is built on solid boundaries and form number 1 on deal breakers. Hold on, and make sure that you’re committed to make this relationship work instead of having the attitude of “one foot in and one foot out”.
#6. Having a life outside of the relationship
It is as important as having a life together. This one wasn’t easy for me, especially when it is harder for me to express deep feelings to others who you are not in a romantic relationship with me. Establishing strong boundaries or knowing each other’s deal breakers to begin with help one another pursue healthy relationships with others including classmates, colleagues, friends and family members.
Where do you belong as an individual? We all come from a different tribe. There are no guarantee that we attract the member of our own tribe. This can be the most challenging topic for couples. On top of working on individual differences, loving the person “as he/she is” is often why people choose a dramatic ending like Romeo and Juliet. In this case, it is the choice of the individual to agree on what efforts are needed to accept each other’s differences. Could you accept your partner’s drinking as long as the person is willing to work on his issue? Being open minded and having a nonjudgemental attitude are required. Simply going to the court and just try one time of your partner’s favorite hobby even if you don’t like it. As long as you can stay curious about the other person instead of making a conclusion, even Dracula and human can have a romantic relationship together.
#7. Find out how you are part of the situation.
There are moments that make up part of your relationship. They could be happy ones, sad ones, problematic ones, etc. Being aware that in all situations, you have helped co-created them. It is not only about the other person but also what is your part in it?
It takes two to make the sound of clap. can you accept that “all” the situations are created with you being involved? be responsible to both happy and sad situations you have in your relationship. Flaws are like mud on the face, it cannot be hidden and its ok, it does not limit your capability to have a healthy relationship.
