It is no secret that our early childhood experiences have lifelong implications for growth and development. One area where its influence is very evident and well-researched is- Attachments.
Attachment is a special emotional relationship that involves an exchange of comfort, care, and pleasure.
Attachment styles can be understood as “working models” we develop about how relationships function. Understanding one’s attachment style gives insight into their feelings of insecurity, anxiety, fear, avoidance, or satisfaction in close relationships.
Psychologist Mary Ainsworth conducted a famous “Strange Situations” study, in which she observed how infants (12- 18 months old) reacted to separations and reunions with their caregivers in a controlled environment. After the study, she concluded that there are three basic styles of attachment:
1. Secure Attachment:
Observation: Securely attached children accept contact initiated by a parent, and they greet the parent’s return with positive behavior. While these children can be comforted to some extent by a stranger, they prefer parents.
Inference:
Secure attachment requires parents to create an emotionally healthy environment. Such parents tend to play more with their kids, react to their needs quickly and are generally more responsive. Research has shown that a mother’s responsiveness to an infant’s needs during the first year of life also plays an important role in developing this attachment style.
Securely attached children grow up to be more empathetic, less disruptive, less aggressive and more mature. They trust that others will be there for them when needed. They tend to have good self-esteem and form lasting relationships. They do not hesitate to share feelings with their partners and enjoy intimacy. They also seek social support freely.
Overall, they have better interpersonal relationships, higher levels of autonomy, a sense of purpose, and high levels of self-acceptance.
2. Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment:
Observation: Anxiously attached children become greatly distressed in the absence of parents but also do not appear comforted when they return. They are cautious of stranger’s attempts to comfort them.
Inference:
Such children have parents who were intermittently available/ rewarding, then inexplicitly unavailable/ misattuned, leaving the child confused and frustrated. They express an “emotional hunger” and tend to look at their kids to fulfill their needs instead of vice versa.
These children may feel clingy, desperate, or anxious around the parent who isn’t meeting his or her emotional needs. As adults, they show reluctance to become close to others, worry that their partner doesn’t love them, and are distraught when relationships end. They have difficulty trusting other’s availability when they need them. They are vigilant, and become clingy and insecure in relationships. They experience frequent breakups because their relationship feels cold and distant.
3. Avoidant/ Dismissive Attachment:
Observation: Avoidant attached children tend to avoid parents and caregivers. They may not reject attention, but neither do they seek comfort or contact. They show little or no preference for parents over strangers.
Inference:
In this attachment style, the parent may meet a child’s basic needs but doesn’t respond well emotionally. The child adapts by developing pseudo-independence- they learn that the best way to get their needs met is to act like they don’t have any. They maintain emotional distance in order to feel safe.
Such children grow up to have difficulty with intimacy and close relationships. They are unwilling or unable to share feelings with others. They invest little emotion in social/ romantic relationships and, therefore don’t show much distress when relationships end. They also tend to disregard early childhood experiences as having an impact on who they are as adults.
4. Disorganized Attachment (added by later researchers):
Observation: Children with a disorganized-insecure attachment style show a mixture of avoidant and resistant behaviour. They may seem dazed, confused or apprehensive in the presence of a caregiver.
Inference:
Such children have parents who act as figures of both fear and reassurance leading to confusion. Due to this unpredictability, the child doesn’t know how to get their needs met. They want their parents for safety, but the closer they get, the more fear they feel. They display emotional turmoil and a confusing mix of behaviors, because they lack a basic feeling of safety.
As adults, they tend to believe others are dangerous but desperately feel the need for a strong connection. They feel both avoidant and anxious in a relationship (e.g. become clingy when someone draws back and become withdrawn when someone comes close). This erratic behaviour may seem scary for their partner. This style is usually associated with unhealthy relationships marked by toxicity, clinginess, poor communication and even abuse.
Conclusion:
Understanding our early experiences and how we adapted to them helps us understand ourselves better. Attachment styles can give us insight into how we are likely to approach any relationship, and how we may behave as parents ourselves. There are free online quizzes to know your attachment style (click here for a quiz).
Although early experiences with caregivers play an important role in development, it isn’t necessarily the sole factor. Attachment styles can change over the course of our life. Further research has established that our lifelong experiences also play a significant role in forming adult attachment styles.
We can begin to change our attachment style at any point in life by being willing to develop self-understanding, creating a coherent narrative of our story and seeking professional help.
