going toward you

every trip feels like another step closer to you, even when i’m going nowhere near you. that’s how it felt even a month ago when it was one day in, and such a big part of why i got so overwhelmed that weekend, even if i could barely grasp it then. i know it now. the inevitability always made fear seem foolish, unwarranted. i explained it to L like feeling like i was at the top of a very long, steep slide, had just pushed off from the platform. it was fun and safe, i chose it, but i was going so fast & there was no getting off. so why worry? i’d be at the bottom soon anyway; i had no choice. i am on a tiny plane, again, thinking about that picture, thinking about death like i always do when i fly. now, more than ever, i want to live. god it feels good to want that. maybe all these steps lead somewhere, neither of us are as aimless as we feared.

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