i think it’s like a muscle, you have to strengthen it. i think an initial break almost always comes from feeling near-collapse. it’s after the break from the infliction of pain that you can start to rebuild, you don’t have to be strong right away or even suddenly. but you do have to practice. get someone to help you talk it through — therapy intensely changed how i see myself in the world. maybe that would help you with these struggles. sending all my love toward you, regardless ❤️