Columbus Gothic

Harmony Cox
Oct 17, 2017 · 2 min read

There is a new food truck at the Seventh Son brewery this week. It is a black truck with no windows, doors or wheels. There is an iPad with a Square reader mounted to the side. After you swipe your credit card through the reader you will become dizzy and pale, as if you have suddenly lost a significant quantity of blood. Stumble out onto the crowded patio and a meal will appear before you. It will consist of an unidentified deep-fried object that evokes a long-repressed childhood memory. The object is served on a ciabatta roll with garlic aioli and a side of kale slaw. Pair with a frosty pint of Humulus Nimbus for a great summer treat!

Columbus’s full-scale replica of the Santa Maria wasn’t closed because it needed repaired. It was closed because it kept eating kids.

Mayor Michael Coleman will not be seeking another term as our mayor, but that does not mean his seeking is complete. Mayor Michael Coleman will continue to seek answers for Columbus in the darkened corners of our reality, consulting with hidden tomes of forbidden knowledge and following the path of Al-Amun the Mad Monk through the spirit plane. Mayor Michael Coleman will lurk in every shadow, every cobweb, every crack between our reality and the darkened void of the unknown until his mid-sized sustainable city Necronomicon is complete. Then, and only then, will light rail come to Columbus.

The Sergeant screamed as the crowd herded him towards the sacrificial altar. “This is madness! This is blasphemy! If they don’t win the championship this year, they’ll kill you next!” The Wicker Brutus grinned down at them all, deaf to the man’s screams. The chanting continued. “O-H…O-H…O-H…”

They’re building condos in the Short North. They’re building condos in Franklinton. They’re building condos in Olde Towne East. They’re building condos downtown. They’re building condos on top of a White Castle. They’re building condos underwater. They’re building condos under your bed. They’re building condos in your dreams. And you can’t afford to live in any of them.

Jeffery Dahmer went to Ohio State for a quarter in 1978 before he dropped out to join the army. People remember him as a quiet, creepy drunk. Then he murdered a bunch of people. Its true. Google it.

Originally published at on October 17, 2017.

Harmony Cox

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Harmony Mae Cox is a Midwestern essayist and storyteller. She loves dogs, coffee, and writing things for you- yes, especially you. Find her at .