Here Are The Only Circumstances Under Which I Will Read Your Essay About Moving To Or From New York City

You were kidnapped by goblins who live under the Brighton Beach subway stop and this is your ransom note

You met someone special, fell in love among the bright lights of the city, and decided to settle down somewhere quiet and start a family…of werewolves!

You are a Bigfoot and you are desperately describing your surroundings in hopes that someone can help you find your way back home

You are a robot that tried to write an interesting story and I don’t want to discourage you because you are still learning about how emotions work so you can’t handle complex ones like “disappointment” yet

You are an insane and vengeful AI system that controls a nuclear arsenal and for some reason you have taken on the personality of Jonathan Franzen, so I have to humor your fragile ego and listen to your inane self-absorbed rambling to save the Earth

I don’t have a sixth reason but I do want to reiterate how much I hate Jonathan Franzen, that misogynist litbro can eat butt

Your essay is actually a complicated cryptogram that contains the identity of the Zodiac Killer and only I can solve it

Your essay contains the “trigger phrase” that will turn me into Jason Bourne

Your essay is the background description for your home brewed D&D module about fighting mutant sewer rats and I know you’re the kind of DM who gets pissed off when people don’t read the background material stuff (but whatever I only agreed to play because you were short a player and I’m not playing at all if I can’t be a eldritch knight, I don’t care if there aren’t eldritch knights in your setting just MAKE IT HAPPEN KYLE)

You are Yoko Ono and everything you say or do is just delightful to me

I am on a National Treasure style adventure with Nicolas Cage and I have to read your essay in order to find a clue about where the rubies are hidden in the Statue of Liberty

You are Snake Plissken

C.H.U.D. research


Originally published at harmonymae.com on October 17, 2017.