Hey ladies! If you’re anything like me, you’re always looking for beauty tips and products to try. A lot of people on tumblr do these 24-hour product diary things, so I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon and share some of the little miracles that get me through the day.
As most girls know, a good beauty regimen is useless without diet and exercise. I always like to look my best, especially in the summer, when it’s suns-out-guns-out! (After the sun goes down, I shift my combat style to take full advantage of the long shadows.) No matter the weather, I start the day with a round of stretches and a quick jog. I can usually pace my enclosure 20 or 30 times before its time to feed the kids. The kids come first! I have so many children. They’re always hungry.
After the children have enjoyed their breakfast and have been herded back into The Structure, it’s time for me to get ready for my day. I guess it’s a little unfeminist to admit this, but I really don’t feel like I’m being my best self if my makeup isn’t on point. Like Gwyneth Paltrow always says, “You must maintain the vessel. The eyes must be bright and the teeth must be sharp. Yours is the Devouring Hunger, and you shall lure your prey if you are to feed.“ #GOOP
I like to start with boscia B.B. Cream. I need a good, easy to use waterproof product that can cover all of the little imperfections in my face. Things like blemishes, ragged claw marks and scars disappear with this product. And like everything I wear, it’s cruelty free! Once I have the foundation in place, I move on to the rest of my makeup. Since I’m a busy on the go kind of lady, I prefer long-lasting waterproof products. Too Faced Melted Fusion Lips, Vapour Aurora multi-use blush and the full Stila smokey eye palette are my go-tos. Most women like a simple, natural look in the summer, but I go all-out every day. Yes, it takes a little more time and effort, but it’s a woman’s job to look her best. Also, my natural look is on file with a number of public surveillance data bases and I hate dealing with the attention that brings. Just call me Beyoncé, lol!
Once I’m all made up for the day, it’s off to work! I’m a big fan of carpooling, so I usually jump from the top of a freeway overpass and cling to the top of a passing semi until I reach my destination. Since I have an amazing core from my strip-hop zumbilates, it’s no problem to tuck and roll and then scurry into a dumpster to heal. My skin knits itself back together within seconds, but the dirty gravel and garbage can really do a number on my clothes! That’s why I carry a Tide Pen and Klorane Biodegradable All-Purpose Wipes to make sure I can clean up quick and get my look back to perfect. Then it’s time to reapply, and reapply, and reapply, and reapply, and reapply, until I’m finally ready to work. 9 to 5, right? Where’s Dolly Parton when you need her?! Most of my day is spent waiting. I spend hours in the shadows, lurking and smelling the air. Thank god for Candy Crush! Sometimes I hit up Instagram or some Pinterest tutorials, but I mostly just sit in perfect silence and concentrate on quieting my constant urge to feed. A moment on the lips, a lifetime of servitude to the dark voices screaming inside of you!
It’s embarrassing to admit, but I spend most of my day looking for Mr. Right. I know a lot of ladies do the online dating thing, but that just isn’t for me. There’s only one man out there for me, and it’s usually whoever appears physically weakest and is neglecting to observe his surroundings. If I’m feeling playful, I’ll spray on some Fancy by Jessica Simpson and tail him to engineer a meet-cute. Last week, I followed a man to a coffee shop and “accidently” tripped in front of him, spilling his coffee everywhere! I thought he’d be mad, but he just laughed. He was a small-town sports writer who’d recently moved to the big city and he was really eager to make friends. He was sweet. Thank goodness I always carry Marvis Ginger Mint Mouthwash to get that taste out of my mouth!
No matter how my dates begin, they always end the same way: in an undisclosed location sprayed with gore. That’s why I carry Mrs Meyer’s Clean Day All-Purpose Cleaner in my Marc Jacobs weekender. It’s imperative to never leave a trace of what occurred so I can continue to go undetected. Plus, it’s just polite.
After work, it’s time for a touch up. Whether I’m going out for a drink with the girlfriends or I’m outrunning a grizzled homicide detective that just connected the dots on the recent disappearances in the area three days before his planned retirement, I need a look that pops! I like to transition my day look to night with my Cynthia Rowley beauty palette and a clump of viscera combed through my hair to maintain shine and bounce. I know mousse is making a comeback, but sometimes the old fashion fixes just work best. Blood never dries once it touches me. It works better than dry shampoo (and its a bargain too, lol!)
After the fun, or when the sirens get a little too close for comfort, it’s time to head home. I usually trace my way back through a system of sewers, but if I’m really feeling beat I’ll just Uber it. I give the kids a quick check-in and use turpentine, lye and Burt’s Bees Sensitive Skin Make-up Wipes to wipe away the traces of my day. then it’s time for a glass of wine, a quick chapter from my latest Amazon Unlimited read, and the slow fade of my consciousness to the tune of the remembered screams of my prey. Sweet dreams!
Originally published at harmonymae.com on October 17, 2017.