The What-If’s

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.” Philippians 4:6–7

As I headed back to my hometown of Cleveland last week, memories and wonder stir my heart. We all have “what if’s” in our lives and they always find its way back to tug at our hearts; in remembrance or in disappointment, in joy or in pain. What if I took that job instead of this? What if I didn’t get married? What if I moved to another state? What if I just go and travel? What if I stayed? What if I just let go? What if I held on tight? What if I fail? It seems every time I head back to Cleveland, I have what if’s and wanderings about things I could of done differently. But I felt as if I had to start writing this blog to myself and it probably is just me. But I know many of you out there know what I mean and I’m only starting to understand what relationships are all about. I’m starting to understand people better, in a different light and opening my mind to something I didn’t realized I closed my mind to.

One “what if” on my heart is actually about a boy I met last summer and I’m realizing now how much he made an impression on my heart. He worked for my dad so my dad actually introduced me to him and somehow we had a connection. Maybe even just good friends. We talked in that moment and I walked away thinking that was that. I was in town for about a week, a week and a half at the time. I met him before I went to visit my grandparents for a few days and came back with a couple days left in town. My dad wanted me to come to the country jam concert and I was like why not?! Then he actually told me that this boy was coming too! I remembered I asked my dad about him when we were visiting my grandparents. So my dad actually kind of set us up lol! Long story short, I had such a good time at country jam with this boy and there seemed to be a moment. Just like that, the night was over and I had to head back to Tampa, where I am now. We texted for a few weeks, almost more than friends it seemed. One day, he said he just needed to focus on himself, with all these excuses, about me being his boss’ daughter and just like that, he stopped talking to me. No one really wants to hear that unless it was mutual.

The part that got to me is that I tried reaching out to him a few times over the months and all I got was a “thank you” on his birthday. Honestly, I’ll never know what happened, whether he “ghosted” me or whether he just needed time and space, even though we are on opposite ends of the country. When we were talking, he actually called me at one point. I never got the chance to pick up or talk to him. What if I did? What if that made a difference? He never reached out to me again. The couple times I saw him after that, there wasn’t any closure and even a sense of what happened with us. From what I learned from him, he really is a nice guy and he really did need to figure his life out. I remembered him telling me at one point that he lost his dad earlier in his 20’s and that they were really close. I can see how much his dad meant to him and I can’t imagine losing my dad.

We all got personal issues to face ourselves. Maybe that’s just it, we always think what could I’ve done, what did I do wrong and when it really isn’t about you. It’s just life. I thank him in my own way for not involving me. I do pray for him. I pray that he does figure out what he really needs in life. I pray that whatever happened in his life, past, present or future, that it’ll make him a better man and that he’ll continue to become an even better man. I pray that he explores his potential and sees the beauty this world has to offer. I pray that someday we could be part of each other’s life and actually be friends. Life can hurt, but instead of thinking so much about it, just let go and let God :) I also want to thank him because even though, he probably never thought about me again, he did open up my heart to possibilities. He opened up my heart to trust and love. For me to learn how to trust those closest to me. To allow them to love me. He opened up my heart for the possibility of being in a relationship. I didn’t realize how closed off I was to guys and I didn’t want to deal with that.

I hate to think about what men have done to women over the years. That there was a time when women had no rights, no power. We lived in a man’s world and some still do. Women actually had to earn equal rights to men. Yet men have beaten women down, demanding power and respect. Men have cheated while women are at home taking care of their children. The stories go on and on and on. I’m not saying that women haven’t done the same. But the perception of men having authority over women seems laughable to me, especially in my generation. It just seems like the American dream to go ahead get married, have kids and stay home. That never appealed to me because even though there’s nothing wrong with that, I know there’s so much more to life out there. Now it’s seems to be the years of overachievers and rebels. Those who want to absorb every opportunity, get a higher education and a top notch career. Those who want to experience freedom, explore the world and live life on the edge. It seems that life is intermixed these days and you never know where Jesus is taking you on the path.

What I’ve just learned this past year and after going back to my hometown is that despite the distractions, I know I’ll always have Jesus by my side. That’s enough for me. It should be enough because if I was left with nothing else in my life, what do I really have? Faith in the impossible and this world is proof of it. We have this one chance in life so let’s make the most we can with it, no matter the obstacles. The miracles and all the stories you hear out there. That is what makes me believe in Jesus and to just have in faith, no matter how hard it seems. No matter how much I want to take control. No matter how alone I feel. I know that there is someone who loves me more than anything and He gave up His life for me to live freely. I’ve finally come to the start of me embracing my singleness and to move forward, even possibly with the World Race. To give up everything may mean gaining everything. Life is full of lessons. Maybe my story about this boy is a lesson because infatuation shouldn’t be enough and sometimes that leads to mistakes. But also count your blessings. Like I said, life is full of seasons of waiting and we just have to be patient.