Jul 28, 2016

The Game Changer

… the next part of my journal, chronicling a year of change …

1.1 16.22

Took a lovely walk through the much quieter Stockholm streets today. That feeling of happiness from yesterday is still with me, and I haven’t tried to analyse it, or wonder about it, or think about anything else. I have just enjoyed the feeling of belonging he has given me. The brief respite from feeling sad, which is so exhausting.

The Snowball is drawing to a close, and despite blubbering every afternoon it was a magical event. Strangers are no longer quite strangers, I hope to see some of the people I have met again on some other dance floor. While I feel shredded and sad and tired and heartbroken, I have also felt joy and relief. I have had fun and am so very grateful that I have found this dance that gives me so much pleasure. it helps me get through.

I think my legs have one last night of dance in them, tomorrow I will check out the bouldering hall — I brought the shoes, so I better!

Then I will chill, reflect and think on the months ahead. I am not looking forward to going back home, and I want to be careful not to become prejudiced and develop a negative mindset about everything. That wouldn’t be fair. While I am not sure I can still fit in with the German mentality, I will make the best out of the situation and make sure that I am not just coming from a shitty emotional place. I want to recognise and appreciate the friendliness that has been shown to me, rather than just whinge about what I haven’t liked. I have no right to judge.

But I also have to make sure my courage doesn’t flag, that fear doesn’t take over, or comfort and laziness.

I’m afraid of feeling lonely again, I know it will happen.

Action before motivation.

Stay hungry, stay foolish.

Right now Elmo is safe.

1.1 23.47

The end of my first Snowball. I had nothing left after three hours. I had considered not going, I felt kind of tired. But then, unsurprisingly, and I know this usually happens when I don’t give in to that feeling of flatness, I was rewarded with some great dancing, some great laughs, and some great conversations. The effort is always worth it.

My game changer has said several times that things happen for a reason. I am not sure about that, I have always believed that there is a lot of chaos in the universe, and things can be just random. But I rely on my instinct more and more, and have also found that certain things have happened that led me here, to a place where maybe I can get rid of some more demons and grow into my own skin. Too many thoughts after a small dinner and big glass of wine. No matter where you are, you can look back and string together the events that led you there. You can always try and find sense in something, if that is what you need. (But I would never presume to tell a parent who has lost a child in an accident that things happen for a reason … sometimes there is just chaos.)

And things might happen for a reason, but that doesn’t mean the reason is good or easy.

I will keep my summary of the Snowball like this: met some great people, had amazing lessons and wonderful dances. And didn’t feel shit at midnight on the 31st. All in all, pretty good.

Elmo is still safe.

2.1 10.18

My game changer just skyped me, just like that. I wasn’t going to contact him again quickly, I didn’t want to send any particular message, be needy, clingy, all that stuff. I am glad that he feels comfortable talking to me, I am glad that he feels like talking to me when he has spare time. And of course he will realise that I am the One. It made me feel really, really good talking to him.

Being heart broken is one thing, being discarded is quite another. Elmo is still safe.

2.1.2105 19.35

My last night in Stockholm Not a big deal really, but it feels like it for me. For the last few weeks I was thinking that I just need to make it to Christmas and my break here. I was going to use this time here to regroup, find some answers. I haven’t regrouped or found any answers, there has been no change, no break, no sudden realisation of anything. I feel like I am on a threshold to something completely different, as long as I make it happen. And find out what the hell it is meant to be. I have had a call to say that my belongings from Australia will arrive in Germany in one week. It feels a little unreal to know that my life in boxes is arriving, I had looked forward to it, and now it feels a bit like I weight I don’t know what to do with. It’s ironic, since I am already planning to leave again.

I am grateful that this place and the event here have taken me away from my routine, and given me moments of relief in between feeling so awful. I am grateful I have activities in my life I am passionate about, they help me get through. I am proud of myself for joining and dancing when I didn’t feel like it, when I felt beaten and full of misery and self pity.

Right now I feel okay. Not great, but okay.

It’s nice to sit here and watch silly TV and eat so much chocolate that I will feel slightly unwell later.

It’s nice to just feel okay for a change, not overwhelmed by one emotion or another.

3.1 14.47

Got back home earlier this morning. I always quite like the feeling of coming home, even though I don’t particularly feel at home here. But the novelty has quickly worn off, and now I just feel lonely. It’s ironic, while I was still in my relationship, I was really looking forward to having my own space. And now I feel completely adrift in the space, I am becoming oppressed by it and I can’t find any calm within myself.

I need to concentrate and dig deep over the next few months, define a goal and head towards it. The last week has strengthened me, and despite sleeping badly and generally not enough, and despite daily blubbering sessions, I feel more motivated and positive. For that I am grateful. But I know it’s a slippery slope, and a few days in my isolated corner in the office could very easily unravel me again. I used to be a bit more resilient than this, and I am disappointed, a little miffed even, that I feel quite so fragile. I wasn’t prepared.

3.1 20.08

Action before motivation

I can already feel myself slipping.

I check FB and skype all the time to see whether someone is online I can talk to. My game changer was online, but I didn’t call him, even though I wanted to. I need to get through this without him, no matter how good it makes me feel to talk to him. Because it’s not real, and eventually I won’t feel good. I have wondered whether my affection, and, in low moments, need for him comes from my loneliness, and if I had other people around me, I would like and want and need him less. I only really knew him when I was completely alone.

But someone who just fills a gap doesn’t make you light up just when you look at him. And someone who just fills a gap can’t make you feel like you totally belong at midnight, on new year’s eve, surrounded by couples and people who know each other, while you stand alone leaning in the doorway and not be bothered at all, just because you spoke to him for 45 minutes. I feel a reluctant gratitude to him for this.

But if he told me right now that he has met his game changer and that he was getting married, well, I would just blubber my eyes out for the rest of the weekend.

C’est la vie.

I will need a game plan and ‘bring it’ over the next few months so I don’t slide.

I have decided to make myself strong, I have to remember that.

Action before motivation.

And a poem by Jon Treloar that circulates in my head all the time:

Once more into the fray

Into the last good fight I’ll ever know

To live and die on this day

If I feel I can’t do it all the time, that’s ok. But I can do it one more time. Just one more. And make that one count.

I think I will be alright for tonight.

3.1.2015 22.24

Now I no longer feel alright. Funny (not so funny), that a mood can change so quickly.

And action before motivation is hard on a rainy Saturday night at this time, when you don’t know anyone nearby, and the people you do know are asleep on the other side of the planet.

I will just have to ride this one out.

And I have to make sure I don’t start drinking too much, half a bottle of wine a night is commonplace now, and a whole bottle is becoming easy.

And then there are those moments when I think so what.

I remember the shitty weekend in Munich, made unshitty only by bumping into a great group of people on Sunday afternoon. Why on earth did I buy that cook book? I don’t even like cooking. And now I have this overpriced chocolate and baileys stollen in my cupboard, which I really don’t need either. I still like the shot glasses in the shape of little steins though.

I have to ride this one out, pull up the good Snowball memories and forget the fact that nobody on this planet calls me first when they have something they want to tell someone.

Damn, that really bothers me, and I don’t know how I got here. Worse, I don’t know how I get away from here. And also worse, I just miss him. He is the first I want to tell.

4.1. 8.37

My head feels kind of heavy. I didn’t stop at half a bottle of wine, I also had nearly a full bottle of creamy marzipan liqueur. That stuff is wickedly good. Since I needed to take valium to get through my final six weeks of my law degree, I have a greater empathy for addiction. I don’t know what drinking does for other people, but it fills me with courage. The shitty stuff falls away. Last night I felt courageous and able. This morning, not so much.

This morning it just feels like this day will stretch ahead of me and I am at a loss as how to fill it, even though there is a lot I had planned to do. Then there is tomorrow, and the day after. I don’t know how I will get through. Right now, I don’t care. Right now I don’t care about anything.

Actually, that’s not true. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t feel sad, and I wouldn’t feel fearful. And I wouldn’t be checking whether someone is online I can chat to. And I wouldn’t be thinking about him.

I just need to crack on, I knew coming back here would be hard, I knew that.

I am committing this to paper, I will not drink alcohol for two days.

But stay courageous.

Once more time into the fray, the last good fight I will ever know…..

Now it’s on a yellow post-it note on my wall.