When you don’t have a clear path and can’t be in the moment … you just need a free pass

I am reading a lot of motivational material about not being held back by fear in order to be able to do what I really want in life. I am reading about being in the moment, following my heart and making each day count.

It’s all good stuff, it really is. And I am trying, I really am.

There are two snags.

One is that I don’t really know what I want out of life and where my heart is taking me. I didn’t grow up with dreams, and had a stepfather who nearly destroyed whatever joy in life there was for me. I spent much time surviving and rebuilding. I knew what I didn’t want, and I left my country, work and relationship a couple of years ago because the life I had was so wrong for me. But I have no clear idea what the right path is.

I am not entrepreneurial, I never have been. I am unlikely to go out and start an ingenious company with an innovative product. I am okay with that, I am okay with having a regular job in a regular office. At the moment I am aiming to have a job I really, really like. That will be a real change for me, since most of my jobs I have absolutely disliked. After my last contract ended I decided to take a few months off, just for me (a brave step indeed, after all, what had I done to deserve time off???), and am now actively searching for work. Employers are not beating down my door with offers. I have a budget, I know how long I have before I have to apply for everything under the sun so I can pay my bills. It’s hard to stay positive and brave when the rejections come in, or when no answer comes at all.

I certainly have things I am passionate about. I love dancing and dance regularly, but it will never be a way to fund my life. I am finding my way back to writing. This is also a slow and personal process and I don’t feel it is my means to earn a living. If I were to force myself to sit down several hours every day and write, it would kill every bit of joy I am only just rediscovering in the process.

I also love reading and going to the theatre. I go indoor climbing and I practice French. I do things I enjoy doing every day.

But I don’t have the ONE thing that fires me up.

The second snag is that I am not always good at being in the moment. I have times when I regret wasted time, whether that is productive or not. I also day dream and imagine a ‘me’ that is better than me. I should be trying to be that ‘me’, but sometimes that is just too hard, and I am too tired or discouraged. I am just a normal person and can’t make all my days full and productive. I can’t look forward all the time and I can’t be brave all the time.

So while reading all this positive and empowering stuff I started feeling quite shitty because I just couldn’t do it. Now that I knew how I wanted to be, why couldn’t I just be that?

My solution was to give myself a ‘free pass’, and write some time off once in a while. I have made a deal with myself that I can have time slots of feeling wistful, hesitant and mopey. I can day dream about the ‘me’ I want to be rather than work on it. I can feel sorry for me, just a little bit, be insular and cynical. But when the time is up, I need to get cracking again, that is the deal.

I feel better just knowing I don’t have be ‘on’ all the time. The permitted ‘time off’ makes me crave for it less.