Diary of a Worthless Man

1. Cops pulled me over today. They asked for ID. I couldn’t find my license, so I slipped the officer a blank index card. They recognized me instantly. Then they took my spectacles and sped away.
2. Got mugged outside my office today. The mugger nabbed the only draft of my memoir, Vietnomnomnom. Since today was Take Your Child To Work Day, my four-year-old daughter, Feather, saw the ordeal. She says I’m a failure.
3. Over a pot of the Chuckles Diner’s finest instant coffee, my wife, Bertha, and I finalized our divorce. A man with scabs walked up to our table and asked, “Got ‘ny sugar?” I said nope. The man with scabs ate our table. Bertha went home with him. I got stuck with the bill.
4. Today is Feather’s birthday! She is five. I got her the best, best gift — a blank birthday card. Now she won’t have to worry buy me a card for my birthday. (She’ll already have one!) She’s lucky I’m her pop-pop.
5. Turns out the man with scabs writes plays for the local theater. His latest play is about a jazz guitarist whose goal is to masturbate in every New York City nightclub. It is a play called “Jazz Hands.” It is nominated for seven Tony awards.
6. Despite the gloom of this rainy day, I feel generous. Instead of eating my usual three cans of sardines, I opened all the cans. Then I walked up to a puddle and set the sardines free. I feel happy.
7. My mugger was on the Today Show this morning. He wrote a best-selling memoir. I didn’t realize how similar our lives are. He even gave his book the same title I was going to give my book. I think we have a lot in common. Don’t judge somebody until you learn more about them.

EDITOR’S NOTE: For now, this story and its protagonist are fictional, but you are not. Thank you.