Failure

I don’t want to be a journalist anymore.

Whenever I attempt to write some kind of news or opinion piece I hate myself. I feel as if I’m not good enough. That my writing lacks in substance. That the person reading what I’ve published will think less of me.

I’m scared of failure and of commitment. My heart just isn’t 100 per cent geared towards being a great writer. In any occupation the “success stories” say that you have to be this committed to succeed.

When I write I become a person that isn’t me. I feel as if its a waste of my time. I stress, I overthink and over research. When I’m trying to write I’m constantly on social media. I hate this. I’m constantly distracted by phone and there is little I can do to stop myself.

I sit at my desk and rock on my chair when I get stuck. Back and forth. I do the stretch yawn thing that people do when they’re stressed and can’t stand sitting still. I kick the wall. My wall now has black shoe marks on it.

Journalism has given me bad skin. I get anxious and my skin gets oily. I pick at it. Its subconscious behaviour and its hard to control. I hate this too.

I think I should just give up. Maybe its just not for me. People work heaps of different jobs throughout their life right? With the exception of some, like my mum, who has taught at the same school for 25 years.

I like writing on Medium. Here I’m free to say what I want. Its a place where I can finally tell the truth. Where I’m writing for myself. Where I don’t care what my reader thinks.

I know thats a bad attitude to have. We were told at university to write for your audience. To think about what they like to read.

I know that in all jobs you feel stressed about stuff. You get a ton of tasks and they seemingly can’t ever be done. That its all too much. The challenge is just too great.

There are still some aspects of journalism which I enjoy. Perhaps this is why I’ve stuck at it. I enjoy flicking through the sports section of the tabloids at breakfast. I enjoy some comment articles in The Guardian. I like reading album reviews on Pitchfork. But its not enough to make me sit at a desk and be someone I’m not.

I enjoy too many other things. And I think I should focus on some of these and see where they take me.

I feel like that in web design, data analysis and sound editing that there is a community out there willing to help me. There seems to be no such help in journalism. In fact, everyone you talk to says its a dying industry. There is no obvious path to take. Its all random luck and random opportunity. Its roulette.

I know that writing is a skill that is required for making videos and podcasts. Maybe I should focus on getting really good at producing this kind of media?

This is my list of things that I enjoy doing right now. Maybe I should go back to school and do something that relates to one of them? But thats more money to pay back in HECS. Money is a consideration here too.

Maybe I should wake up every morning and just do whatever interests me. And not have a shit week worrying about a piece of writing that needs to be done.

I want to live my life like I did today. Wake up. Make some music on logic pro. Run. Write this article. Walk the dog. Socialise with people.

I know that life isn’t perfect. But we all have to make choices about how we live. And I want to experience this day more often. Being a journalist doesn’t allow me to do it.