The 3 things my exchange taught me about Friendship

Student exchange is touted as one of the best experiences of one’s life. A promise of travel, study and friendship all rolled up into a neat bundle of memories and experiences. Unfortunately though, one thing that no one ever talks about is the fact that the friendships you make will rarely be as deep and as meaningful as the ones you have in your home country often petering out after you return to your home country in the form of a few bland, ‘I’m too busy’ conversations over Facebook.
Everyone wants to make friends when overseas in a foreign country, there is an unseen pressure to do so, but often these friendships are temporary, matters of convenience that provide an individual with provisional support whilst in a place of vulnerability. From my time at the University of Helsinki, Finland, I managed to seemingly break this wasteful trend. Here are the three things I believe contributed to developing and maintaining true, honest connections with the promise of longevity.
#1 — Shared Resentment
My exchange started on the 27th of August, 2018 with an orientation group including 10 other students. Chinese, French, Scottish, Turkish, Bulgarian, you name it. After a day of activities and small talk that lead nowhere, I caught the train home feeling as though no real connection had been made. It wasn’t until the next day when our group went to the university cafe that I truly felt something develop. I had spoken to Jane, a Scottish girl the day before about life in Australia, and life in Scotland but nothing much else. We naturally gravitated towards each other the next day, given our cultural similarities, plus her mysterious personality.
Jane and I stood at the front of the line at the cafe and went and sat down once we had gotten our food. Obscurely, this was the moment I felt as though there was a connection beginning to form. The 8 other students sat away from us, we were not sure if this was by accident or on purpose, but we resented them for it nonetheless. We sat there and picked apart each individual, criticising them immaturely, but it felt good, it felt as though our friendship was starting to grow on the back of our insults. People usually talk about friendships blooming due to shared interests, shared opinions, or geographical factors, but our friendship was starting to form on the basis of shared resentment. In a way, I felt as though the resentment brought out our sense of humour which was quite similar, but underpinning this was the fact that we felt comfortable expressing our opinions to each other — we felt comfortable enough to put ourselves out there in front of one another. It felt evil, but as we broke down each person, I felt as though I was starting to really see her for who she was and someone that I could heavily relate with. This was the first time Jane and I had seen past each other's small talk and it was possible because of our shared resentment towards the others.
#2 Overcoming Adversity
Number two was definitely a learning experience for me. Shortly after striking up a friendship with Jane and her friend Molly, as exchange students do, we decided to go travelling. Estonia was our destination albeit just for a day. We booked the 8.30 am ferry which took 2 hours to reach Tallinn. As I was living in separate apartments to the girls, We agreed to meet at central station at 8 am to then get the tram to the port. 8.20 am rolls around and the girls are nowhere to be seen, and I was starting to panic. The ticket said 8.30 am and was frustratingly unclear on whether this meant boarding or leaving. The girls had finally arrived and smugly looked at me saying they had to go and get breakfast. Anyways, I had an inkling that 8.30 am meant the ferry was leaving at this time, so I called the reception at the port who informed me in broken English that this was, in fact, the case. Ambitious me barked at the girls to get on the tram which took 8 minutes, by this time it was 8.35 am. We arrived at the port and sprinted onto the gangway but were stopped by security guards. A Finnish conversation then ensued and a few frustrated looks were directed in our direction, but a simple hand gesture meant that we were the last on the boat as it set sail for Tallinn. By this stage, I was frustrated, tired and angry at the girls for getting us into this situation. We found a seat in one of the bars, and Jane ordered a Baileys. Shortly after Molly had turned as pale as a ghost and proceeded to get seasick — great. We went to the top deck to get fresh air which involved me grabbing Molly’s vomit bag to take to the bin — disgusting. The day ensued and Molly slowly improved enough so that we could enjoy a day in Tallinn, taking in the medieval old town and eating sub-par burgers. Carrying on from our morning form, we ended up extremely late for the return ferry, but after a stop at one of the alcohol outlets and some slight confusion as to where we were actually going, we managed to get on the ferry back to Helsinki. Jane and I couldn’t help ourselves and cracked into some of the alcohol we had just bought, Molly wasn’t well enough.
It wasn’t until I arrived home and had a brief 10 minute thought to myself whilst my phone recharged that today, whilst on paper might look a complete disaster, was actually a success, friendship wise. It was a traumatic day, but the three of us took it on together as three completely lost 20-year-olds, supporting and forgiving each other as if we had known each other since we were kids. Running into adversity also allowed each of us to see how the others reacted to stress and unexpected events, which is where I believe, people are truly themselves. It allowed me to see Jane’s caring nature for a girl she had just met, and Molly’s resilience — something that I would never have had the opportunity to see in a bar in Helsinki. This experience opened up the doorway for a deeper friendship, as we continually felt more comfortable to be ourselves around each other. It gave us something to look back on and laugh about, to reflect on, and to highlight our individual reactions and traits that were shown that day.
#3 — Commitment
In your home country, you have friends who you see every day, you have friends that you see once a year, but you know that they remain your friends based on your history and your invisible connection. Being on an exchange is a bit different. You are alone, no family, no prior friends, no familiarity to your surroundings. This is where commitment plays a major role. Friendships, particularly when you are overseas, need to have a high level of commitment. You both need to show that you care for one another and that you are there for one another, especially when times are tough. It made me realise that friends are family no matter what, particularly when you are in a place of vulnerability. The commitment provides stability and reassurance to both parties, and in the case of my exchange, this was in the form of my American roommate, Choteau. Admittedly this was made easier by the fact that we lived together, but most, if not every night we would be hanging around the kitchen together, cooking food together, or just chatting about culture and difference. It might sound menial but it made me feel stable. It made me feel as though I was coming home from a hard day at work in Sydney to my mum’s home-cooked dinner and a conversation about each other’s day. It might sound easy enough to have a conversation with someone every night, especially on the spectrum of commitment, but in an experience where friends are plentiful and distractions are easily accessible, combined with university assignments, it shows a high level of commitment towards a friendship. You don’t have to go on exchange to realise that commitment plays a big part in any relationship, but that experience emphasised this notion for me, it allowed me to see who actually cared about me in an experience saturated with other options. The Scotts were just as committed and it made me feel as though I had created a small circle of true, close friends that gave me everything I needed.
