A Way Too Casual Speech Regarding American Torture Programs

by President Obama

Good evening, my fellow Americans. This week is a somber, embarrassing week in our nation’s history. A report released earlier in the week confirmed something that has long been whirlin’ round the rumor mill since we took up arms in the Middle East after 9/11: we tortured folks.

Now, some have said that my position on this issue has eased a bit over the last few years. As a junior senator, I held a hard-line position against this kind of action. And today, my position remains the same. So, let me be plain and clear. Let me say with the utmost certainty of purpose: we, uhh, tortured a couple of folks. How else can I say it? Some folks were tortured. By us.

Folks. Tortured. There’s no other way to say it without sounding callous and casual. We tortured folks.

And this action, this torture, is not what this country stands for. The report released this week uncovered a systemic torture program of appalling breadth. For a torture program of even the smallest scope is an affront to humanity, but one this broad, well, it gave me a real good rumblin’ in my tummy.

And it was an especially strong rumble because the report revealed so many horrifying details. It looks like we strapped a dude or two to a table and threw a tube up where the sun don’t shine to feed them against their will and stuff.

And speaking of where the sun don’t shine, these captives were held in dark, underground, concrete cells. Sometimes we’d keep them standing by chaining ‘em to a wall. Then, by blasting tuneage at a high volume, we wouldn’t let them get even a wink of sleep for, ahh, looks like a good 180, 200 hours give or take. Zero shut eye. Zilch.

It’s even become clear through this report that we hooked up a little electricity to some folks’ willies and beans and put a jolt into ‘em.

But that’s liable to happen when ya torture some folks. Sorry, guys. Just how the cookie crumbles, ya know?

To the American people, the people whose honor we have besmirched through this program, I’d like to say, didn’t mean any harm by it. Honest. My b.

And let me say that, you know, at some point, someone’s going to have to answer for these crimes. After all, we tortured a couple of folks here and there. But in the meantime, we, as a government and military-power have to take a hard look in the mirror and show remorse for these actions. It’s time to turn to the global, peaceful community that we are residents of and say, oops-a-daisy. This one’s on us.

So, all we can do now, is acknowledge this mistake. We can do better. We can learn from this. And now, I say, it’s time to move on. It’s time to move forward and heal as a nation. Torture-shmorture, I say. Okeedokee?

We good? Cool.

Thanks. And God bless this fair nation.

- President Barack Obama, 44