Impatient Man Waiting for Subway Needs to Get Home to His Nothing

by Stephen Stewart

Reports show that the man pacing back and forth along the subway platform, impatiently mumbling, “This is bullshit,” and repeatedly looking down the subway tunnel for an oncoming train has to urgently get home to all of his nothing.

“How long have you been waiting here?” asked the man who has to desperately get home to nobody and put on sweatpants and a sweatshirt that are the same color and overcook a pack of $1.25 Ramen noodles for the third time this week.

“Gahhhh, I’ve never waited this long,” said the man who will later sit on the only chair in his apartment and wonder if he should maybe get a cat while watching an episode of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives on mute, but will decide that really cats are too much work and he’d have to clean-up around the apartment a little more, which reports indicate would be the first time he’s ever cleaned up around the apartment.

“He’s been waiting here for five or six minutes and it seems like he really has to be somewhere,” said an eyewitness. “But you can tell by his baggy, pleated khaki pants that really he has nothing going on.”

“Fuck this,” said the man who will go to bed at 8:30pm.