This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Our Luxury Spas

by Harry Barron


Seems only natural that we find ourselves here, standing all contentious-like between our luxury salon and spas. We’ve been traveling toward this destination ever since you rode into this town with your hyper-pigmentation correcting advanced facial treatment.

Things have done come to a tipping point between you and me. So, we’re gonna settle this once and for all because this town ain’t big enough for the both of our luxury hair salon and spas.

Yesterday, we stood well-manicured toe to well-manicured toe and had ourselves a little discussion. I said, “if this time tomorrow I still see you exfoliating feet using Dermelect Runway Ready Foot Treatment, the only foot treatment worthy of this town’s luxury spa and salon, it’s either you or me.”

Well, today, it looks like you’re up to your wrists in feet. And thems feet are looking brand new. Not a callous or a crack or flake of skin in sight. So I’ll have to assume you’ve done made your choice.

Only one of us is going to be caring for the hair and skin of the upper middle class and wealthy men and women of this town from this day forward. And I can tell you right now, it’s not going to be you.

Oh! What are my grievances, you ask?

Now looky here. This town’s only big enough for one salon slash spa that offers a glass of Sedona’s finest Pinot Grigio to new customers. It would be one thing if you offered a middle of the road Pinot Grigio.

But the Pinot Grigio that you’ve done gone and offered is one with refined tannins and an oaky body. It’s a Pinot Grigio that has a burst of fruit flavor on the backend and a smooth mouthfeel.

This town can’t handle two luxury spa and salons that offer that kind of high-end experience.

No, sir.

Not on my brand-new, diamond-encrusted Marc Jacobs watch that a lovely customer purchased for me this Christmas after I gave her a complimentary deep tissue massage and an embroidered robe made from the finest Thai silk for being such a darn loyal customer.

Now, either you leave on your own accord, or you’ll be stepping into a world of pain.

Pain that could otherwise be easily relieved with an hour-long session with one of my luxury spa’s acupuncturist. You know, the one, who trained in China for 15 years. Yeah, Evan. That’s right!

But you won’t have access to him ‘cause you’ll already be long gone.

You’ll already be riding out of here on the high, well-groomed, white arabian horse you rode in on. Just like the one I have. And this town just ain’t big enough for the both of our white Arabian horses. Literally. It’s not big enough. There’s only one stable in this town and our horses are getting cramped.

So just go on. Get.

But don’t take that hairdresser, Michelle. She did all the updos for the sheriff’s daughter’s wedding, and I thought they were gorgeous. She gave each girl a personal touch. She let their hair be their hair. You don’t see that a lot anymore. Reminded me of the work Vidal Sassoon did for Madonna in the mid-90s. I’d like to hire her. But this town ain’t big enough for Michelle to split her professional time between two luxury hair salon and spas.

So leave and don’t come back. If I ever so much as see your face in this town again, I swear, I will do something about your crow’s feet and your baggy eyelids. I have an oatmeal-honey facial mask recipe that’s been known ‘round these parts to promote the production of natural face oils and reduce wrinkles.

Don’t believe me? Try it.

Here.

That’s a sample tube of it. Usually retails for $45.

What’s that?

You’re welcome! You take that back to where you came from!

What now? You’re from here?

What’s your last name?

Perkins?

Wait.

You’re Martha Perkin’s kid? Oh my god! She’s been a client for, boy, what’s it been…20–25 years.

I gave you your first hair cut when you were just a little girl. I didn’t recognize you.

You go say hi to your mamma for me.

Then, why don’t you keep walking and get the hell out of this town!

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