Philadelphia Eagles’ Coach Chip Kelly Collapses, Recent Acquisitions Explained

Thursday morning was initially an average morning for Philadelphia Eagles head coach, Chip Kelly. He hopped out of bed, counted each of the roughly 600 threads on his comforter, one-by-one, and drank a cup of coffee before breaking the mug against his skull. Kelly was in a good mood upon signing past Heisman winner, Tim Tebow, to his team this past Sunday. Consequently, rather than performing his usual breakfast routine of drinking 4 raw eggs at home, he decided to attend the brunch special at Philly’s own Morning Glory Diner.

His waiter, happy to serve a local celebrity, took the liberty of offering Kelly a fresh copy of The Philadelphia Inquirer, and disaster ensued. Upon first glance of the front page, a lively and fit Chip Kelly went white and collapsed to the floor.

The emergency response was rapid. Morning Glory’s wait staff rushed to Kelly’s aid with ice, a defibrillator, and urgently called 911. One diner employee commented:

“I’ve seen Chip Kelly in some of the most high pressure situations sports have to offer, and he acts with better temperament than I usually do when my seven year old son wets the bed. I thought it was a heart attack for sure.”

The room was clouded with the fear that Kelly’s health was in serious danger. However, after being unconscious for roughly two minutes, some color returned to Kelly’s face, and he was able to mutter these words:

“It’s the future… and I’m coach of the Eagles?”

Although witnesses were confused to hear their beloved coach ask such a nonsensical question, most figured that it was merely a result of delirium brought on by head trauma. Not much later though, Kelly seemed to be right back to his normal self, doing push ups and planks on the restaurant floor (a common activity for Kelly to perform in public spaces). Nevertheless, he remained bewildered by the information he learned from his city’s newspaper. Fortunately, we were able to catch up with Chip himself later that day:

“Listen… I’m not a married man, and I’ve never been big on watching or reading about the news, all gobbly-gook to me,” Coach Kelly told us.

He continued: “Before today, if I had to guess the year, I’d tell you 2008, 2009, maybe 2010… something weird and futuristic sounding like that. But 2015? No chance.”

Our field reporter claims that Kelly was difficult to follow, mostly due to how quickly he speaks, but insisted that Kelly was sincere in his claims:

“The last few months, I’ve been on top of the world, man. I’ve got today’s NCAA superstars. Matt Barkley and Mark Sanchez from SC; Sam Bradford and Demarco Murray over at Oklahoma; Now we got Florida’s Heisman winner, Tim Tebow. All these studs want to transfer to Oregon just to play for me… You wanna know what I say? I’ll take ‘em all!”

Our field reporter did not have the heart to explain to Kelly that his recent offensive signees have been in the pros for the past five years, so Kelly didn’t stop there:

“I’m reading something about the Philadelphia Eagles, and I don’t really know what that’s all about. I coach the Oregon Ducks, and we wear green. That’s the only thing I see myself having in common with those guys in Philly. My job is to coach football, not worry about god damn mascots.”

It became apparent to all of us that Chip Kelly actually had no idea that he left Oregon to coach the Eagles in 2012. To get a second perspective on the issue, we caught up with Eagles owner, Jeffrey Lurie. The first thing we asked Lurie was how he came to hire Kelly. Lurie’s response was odd, but not all that surprising considering Kelly’s unique tactics. Lurie began by saying:

“I’m not sure who in the Eagles’ organization made the final decision to hire Chip… or if anyone did for that matter. First time I saw him, he was sleeping in the team facility’s meeting room when I walked in at 5 a.m round the end of winter. After that he just kinda kept showing up…” Lurie didn’t stop there:

“Sure, there have been plenty of times where I have wanted to ask Chip what in the world he was doing, including that first time I met him sleeping in the meeting room. It’s hard though… he just gets this look in his eye that really shuts down your defenses, plus he’s elusive, in every sense of the word.”

Evidently, Chip Kelly’s relationship with Lurie was limited, so we extended our investigation by talking to General Manager, Howie Roseman. He admitted that he has been troubled by a lot of Kelly’s antics from day one:

“After Lurie hired Chip, I figured why not. Sure, he had a reputation of maybe being a little odd and untraditional, but untraditional doesn’t sound too bad when your city’s tradition becomes not winning the super bowl.

We followed by asking Roseman what he thought of the recent acquisitions. Once again, he had much to say:

“I thought keeping Barkley AND Sanchez as backups was a little reckless, but I let it slide cause I thought the guy could be a genius. I thought trading LeSean McCoy was bold, but any team that’s capable of winning a championship has gotta be bold at some point. When he traded Foles for Bradford, I was nervous until he made a move for Demarco Murray. But as soon as I heard he signed Tebow, it became very clear to me that this guy’s mental state might be a bit more f*cked up than we originally thought.”

We concluded our research by catching up with Coach Kelly once again. When we asked him what his draft plans were, he responded with the following:

“Recruiting out of high school is a process that keeps getting tougher. The last few years, we’ve had to pay these guys a hell of a lot of money to get them on our squad, and I always thought that was illegal. But like I told you before, my job is to coach, not be a god damn lawyer. We’ve got depth at the position of quarterback, but I keep hearing more about this Mariota lad. I guess he won player of the year at his high school out in Hawaii or something. I ain’t too concerned about that though, I just want a kid who’s willing to put in the work necessary for an outstanding program like the one we got out here in Eugene. If that means trading away multiple defensive standouts, so be it. Ya gotta keep up with the times if a BCS title is what you’re after.”