Comrades! Liberals! Members of The Coastal Elite!
The great day of victory in The War On Christmas is upon us! Driven to desperation by our marauding hordes of social justice warriors, the impotent Defenders Of Christmas have been cowed into total and unconditional surrender!
After decades spent pinned under the cold, black boot of Santa Claus, powerless in the face of the Christmas-industrial complex, we summoned the resolve to take a stand. To rise up!
And rise, we did.
We rose up, in indignation!
We rose up, in anger!
We rose up, in solidarity! …
Dear People Who Declined My Facebook Event Invite,
It is with great disappointment that I write to you today, the day after our First Annual Footie Pajama Game Of Thrones Bar Crawl. The turnout, as you can imagine, was incredible. Well over half a dozen people showed up, all clad in adult-sized footie pajamas, ready to make the rounds from Chili’s to TGI Friday’s to Applebee’s to Macaroni Grill, and back again. It was, in a word, lit. Appetizers were ordered. Cocktails were consumed. Songs were sung, loudly and in Dothraki.
But not by you. Not by any of…
RESOLVED, that the President of the United States (“the President”), is impeached for high crimes and misdemeanors, and that the following articles of impeachment be exhibited to the United States Senate:
WHEREAS, on the eve of the President’s inauguration, a full moon shone like a beacon against the ink-black darkness of a starless night; and
WHEREAS, the President was seen walking alone across the National Mall that night, an ominous fog swirling around his ankles, his footfalls echoing off the cold marble edifice of the Lincoln Memorial; and
WHEREAS, a werewolf emerged from the shadows…
Hello, and welcome to the Olive Garden! My name is Giovanni, and I’ll be your sommelier for the evening. May I interest you in our delicious selection of wines?
Excellent. Each of our choices tonight were hand-picked to perfectly complement your last day on the face of our ruined, smoldering Earth.
More free breadsticks? Sure, I’ll make sure to tell your server.
Let’s start with our splendid assortment of reds. First, we have our Merlot: soft and medium-bodied, with dark fruit flavors and the smoky undertones of a scorched planet littered with human carrion. You may also detect subtle hints…
I’m just gonna call her. No big deal. I’m just going to pick up the phone, dial the number … It’s easy. Simple. Painless. I’ll say hi, she’ll say hi, then …
What? What do I say next? I have to say something. There can’t just be silence. I’ll look like an idiot. I need a strategy. A plan. I can’t go into it blind. I need to be prepared.
An icebreaker. That’s what I need. Something to get the conversation started. It’ll make it easier for both of us. Anything will do. The weather. Perfect.
“Great weather we’re having,”…
Optimism + time = pessimism