“is it hard?”
“is it hard?”
“ no, i’m fine. “
I am used to play tough when I knew I am about to break. I am so afraid to admit that I am vulnerable because nothing will change if I do so.
My silence echos the pain I am carrying each battles I face each day. I always lose my remaining words when i’m in pain, or even when i’m in the range of anger but my face will show all the words I try to hide. It’s like a subtitle of an unspoken scenario.
Sometimes, asking me if i’m fine makes me more unwell because that only means for me that my silence no longer means something. People no longer care about my emotions.
“ Are you okay?”
I want so bad to be understood and seen however, the more I make my own way to express, the more they drift away from my hold. Is it because I reacted differently? people want others to act the they want in order to give the emotional support they needed.
I was desperately hoping for a light but all of my hopes was tainted even before it started. Heavy hearts, but what any other choices could I make? Just silently rooting for. pain to go away
Am I the problem? or its just that the world still don’t realize the relevance of the feeling I am in. I wonder why no one dared to understand, no dared to step closer and see. why I’m not fine.
But maybe I acted in opposite to the ways I wanted to be treated. Maybe, I went silent because I wanted to be heard, I lost my words because I wanted my pen to be refilled with the right amount of ink. Maybe I. stopped asking for help because I want the act of care, and maybe I avoid people just to urge them to touch my heart.
And for the first time, care for me. Acknowledge me. Maybe I isolate myself to what I crave the most.
And no matter I read, watch, and write the things I wanted to change about the world nothing beats action with willingness. Even if I try to write a book, if no one’s want to read wholeheartedly each pages, nothing will change.
