“Soon” Became “Never”
Losing someone is not just about the present loss, but also about the future potential that was lost, including the dreams and plans you had together.
That’s why, I’ve been mourning for the life we almost built, for the dreams we dreamed and the memories we made, for the laughter that lingered in our hearts, for the love that bound us together, for the future we hoped for, now shattered, for the moments we won’t get to experience, for the conversations left unsaid, for the hugs and kisses we’ll never share again, for the emptiness that now fills my days, for the tears that flow in your absence, for the ache that lingers in my soul, and for the part of me that will always be missing.
We used to spend hours under the stars just talking and planning about the future.
“Soon,” you’d whisper, “soon we’ll have it all.”
“Soon,” I’d repeat, picturing us fulfilling those dreams.
Soon. That was our mantra, our promise to each other. Soon, we’d get our degrees, land those dream jobs, travel the world, tick off every bucket list item. Soon, we’d build a life so beautiful, and so full of love, it would make the stars jealous.
We were young and certain that “soon” was just a heartbeat away.
But “soon” became “never” too quickly.
The cracks started subtly — a late reply, a missed call, and a cancelled date because of a “sudden project deadline.” There were even times I would stay up very late because you promised you’d call, but you never did. And you would apologize with long paragraphs instead of just saying, “sorry”. I tried to be understanding, knowing we both had busy lives. We both dealt with our responsibilities while trying to make time for each other amidst the chaos.
Eventually, the five hours of no response turned into a day… then two… three… four… five… six… seven… eight… nine… ten… eleven… twelve… thirteen… fourteen… and finally, after two weeks, I received a notification from you again.
I remember messaging you endlessly, even though you weren’t reading them. I was unable to get hold of you in person; I was able to communicate with you only through messages. The messages I sent weren’t even complaints about you not giving me time. They were simply life updates, expressions of missing you, thoughts of you, attempts to cheer you up, and even random thoughts about everything. I never made demands; I always tried to understand you.
Still, I couldn’t understand why you couldn’t spare even a minute for me. You managed it before, even for hours. Why not now? Were you really that busy?
The night before I got a notification from you, I can still feel how my hands trembled as I hit send, which I didn’t know why. It calmed when I saw that you finally read my message, but then you didn’t send me a response. Tears welled up — I thought it was over.
I cried until I fell asleep, the tears staining my pillow as I tried to silence the ache in my heart. It felt as though all the agony I had been holding inside finally burst out. It was hard to breathe. In the quietness of the night, my sobs were the only thing I could hear.
It was only in the morning I received a reply from you. You apologized in long paragraphs. You explained you were busy and explained what kept you busy. You mentioned that it was so stressful when you disappeared from my life because, deep down, you didn’t want to lose me too. You said you regret also for not responding to me right away and explained that you were very tired that night. You told me you went to sleep because you didn’t want to give a half-assed reply to my message.
So, we talked again.
We were there for each other again.
I had you again.
But you let me lose you again.
Despite everything, I chose to stay. I never found a reason to walk away, but I found countless reasons to stay and to empathize with the fact that you were dealing with a lot of things.
The two weeks of silence turned into a month, then two, three, four, and the cycle continued until a year had gone by with still no communication from you.
I waited… and I still do, all the while hoping you would return.
Are you even coming back? Probably not anymore.
You had chosen yourself alone. I was crashed out. The us crumbled. You erased all our dreams with a single step back. You found a soon of your own, one that didn’t include me. You’ve moved on, built a new calendar with different dreams and different soons, one that didn’t include me anymore.
I thought we’d do it all together. I thought we’d be there for each other until the end. I thought we’d have it all soon. Sadly, we didn’t. And it’s strange how it didn’t happen yet, but it already ended.
The pages turned, not with the gentle rustle of turning dreams into reality, but with the sudden force of unexpected endings.
Our dreams are now just that — dreams. But a part of me still hopes that deep down inside you, there’s a little space where our old dreams are kept, even if it’s dusty and forgotten.
It has been so hard without you around. Everyone keeps expecting me to move on, and to rebuild my life, yet how do you rebuild a life that was built for two?
Life, they say, moves on. It continues its never-ending pace, dragging us with it, even when our hearts are heavy with the ghosts of what could have been. However, a part of me will forever be stuck in that summer I met you, forever yearning for the future we were supposed to have.
Still, everything that passes only deepens the pain of losing you. Time feels like an ocean, vast and endless, with me drowning in the middle. I don’t know how to swim without you.
Life was easier with you than it is without you.
I know, I know, life has a way of taking unexpected turns. Possibly, your dreams changed or maybe the path we were on simply wasn’t meant to be. Even so, a part of me will always wonder… what if? What if everything we planned happened? And what if the almost became reality, the never became finally, and our soon became now?
Most of all, a part of me will always wonder what “us” would have looked like, grown old together, telling those silly stories of our youth to adoring grandkids.
It’s unfortunate that no matter what I do, I can’t bring you back. Only you could do that. I can’t do anything but to deal with these haunting memories, a bittersweet reminder of what once was and what will never be again.
I am trying. I forced myself to stop thinking of you and stop waiting for you, but I still waited for you on the balcony until I grew weary. So, I decided to head inside… leaving the door ajar because my heart still wants you come back any time you want. Yet please, don’t make it too long. I might completely close and lock the door before you do.
Wherever you are, under any sky, may my name make you think of our beautiful times together in that summer when we met. I hope memories of our dreams bring some warmth to your heart. I hope you chase your dreams with the same determination as you chased mine, and I hope you find a love that fills your life with the same happiness as ours once did. I also hope your “soon” is filled with the things you truly deserve. And maybe, a tiny part of your “soon” holds a memory of a future we once dreamt of… together.
As for me, I’ll continue picking up the pieces, mend my broken heart, and dream for myself alone.
Maybe someday, those dreams we planned will become reality, maybe not.
Because maybe, everything we dreamed of for the future will exist. Just not with us in it.
It will be on someone else’s story — not ours.
And all I can do is to read then reread their story, and wish it was us who were living that reality.
