Another day drunk
Ok so I am concerned with my drinking. I drink every weekend. Every week. Every time I have the thought. Am I an alcoholic? Yeah no doubt. Have I accepted it? No. Fuck no.
I grew up hearing the stories. Everything from “Your grandpa is an alcoholic to””your family are alcoholics.:”
Personally I want to be a drunk. I want to be a gypsy. I dont want to have to care for anyone or anything. I want to go deploy as a soldier and kill people and fuck things up. That’s what I was born to do. I love my wife and my boy but I was born to fuck people up.
Not people. Just things.”the enemy”. I wont lie I just want to kill shit. I love my wife and my boy more than anything but I would kill the enemy in a heart beat and not think shit about it. That’s my worry. I just want to fuck shit up.
OK but back to the main point. I want to kill myself. But do I? What is stopping me? The thought that my boy will grow up without a father. And that my boy will grow up with a father who doesn’t give him all of the love that I want to give him. That is why I am not dead. Lane has given me all. He is my pride and joy. I cried tonight as his mother was away and I upset him. Like he is literally my pride and joy. I love him more than anything else in the planet. Anyways don’t let that shit get to his head.
Back to my daily life. I hate myself daily. I want to kill myself and think about it daily. But I Do these blogs and think about my son and it seems to work so far. If I ever die weather self inflicted or not please give my wife and I my funeral plans and will.
Hayden
