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Hayley Moller
Environmental/climate comms. Repping @UCLA & all things California. Enthusiast of denim & beards, preferably worn together.

22 Comebacks for Unsolicited, Appearance-Based “Compliments” from Men You Don’t Know

Please feel free to print out this cheat sheet and carry it around with you because — if you’re a woman — you’ll need it. Visual aid available for download here.

Amanda Seales is not impressed by your “compliment” [Source: giphy]

**Disclaimer: I have not (yet) tested all of these. Just the creepy ones.**

  1. Pretend it’s Opposite Day! If he says “you look beautiful and I hope you have a great day,” shoot back “you look terrible and I hope your day is truly hellish.”
  2. Act miffed (this shouldn’t be hard): “Do I know you? Did I solicit your feedback on my appearance? No? Then. 👏🏽 Keep. 👏🏽 Your. 👏🏽 Creepy. 👏🏽 Thoughts. 👏🏽 To. 👏🏽 Your. 👏🏽 Self.”
  3. Scream “FIRE!!!” …except replace the world “fire” with “micro-aggression.”
  4. Infantilize him: “That’s enough. Now go take a timeout and think about what you’ve done.”
  5. Muster your greatest quiet parental disapproval and whisper: “I’m disappointed in you.”
  6. Smile encouragingly and let him know of your self-restraint: “I’m choosing to respond to that by mentally kicking you in the dick right now. You’re welcome.”
  7. [Sigh deeply.] “Everyone’s a poet these days, eh?”
  8. “I bet you wish I wasn’t wearing a body cam right now.”
  9. Turn to the nearest stranger: “See, this is exactly what I’m talking about when I say the patriarchy manifests itself in insidious ways.”
  10. [If he tells you to smile.] “I haven’t been able to smile since they took my foot.” [Stare dolefully at him as long as you can while slowly limping away.]
  11. Speak into your sleeve and begin describing what he’s wearing with painstaking detail. Refer to him as “the suspect.”
  12. “BINGO! I bet my friend a creepy stranger would harass me in the next 10 minutes, and here you are, with a minute to spare!”
  13. “Are you a mole?”
  14. “Are you a male prostitute?”
  15. “Are you a talent scout?”
  16. “OMG YOU’RE A TALENT SCOUT!!! Am I being ‘discovered’?!”
  17. Thoughtfully: “Who do you think is worse for women: you or Donald Trump?”
  18. Take your phone out and snap a picture of him. Then smile to yourself and whisper “you’re mine now.”
  19. “…Dad?”
  20. At full volume: “NOW I DEFINITELY WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU.”
  21. “Is your name Dick? You look like a dick.”
  22. [Long, searching look] “…Your fly’s down.”
[Source]