This cold makes room for the loneliness; the best time to cuddle is when your world has burst into a million flames.

I’m not sure I can really rise from this place

I didn’t know the darkness had shown its’ blades

All hail the freeze warning that they’ve made

I am lost in the blackness of my own gaze

I’m not sure all of these clouds will ever fall

I hope they part, hope they’re not here for the long haul

I might have to humble myself into a crawl

And we all know I am the most arrogant of them all

Cause of death would be the ego and the pride

Cause of mercy would be some type of spirit in the skies

I am lonely I am broken I am high

I’ve snorted every single dollar that I hide

Cause now you know me, now you can take a walk inside my lies

I blew it all just like my father and my old friends

I blew my life into smithereens and now I’m nearly dead

And I’ve been thinking, I’ve been wondering quite a bit

How did I get here? How did I lose such a steady grip?

The manipulation and the deceit; I just can’t figure it

The mendacity and fabrication, so fucking counterfeit

The lunacy and the dramatics, draining every last inkling of my whit

And to all these stories and falsehoods that I so willingly submit

I am now the one standing on a ledge like a hypocrite

But I won’t jump, no I won’t dive, cause I’m far too scared to fully transmit

What If God asked me to come home today?

I would cry, Oh I would beg, I would be in a fully fledged rage

Cause I’m not ready, no I’m not there yet, my life hasn’t even begun

I just died, now I’m reborn; please just let me learn how to walk instead of run

I don’t even know how to love or what that is

I just say words and use my mouth and tongue until you’re convinced

I don’t even know how to live or what that means

I just survive, I just kick and run and talk and scream

I don’t even know how to die or why I’m still here

I just struggle with the plastic wrap and ignore my tears

I just partake in games and gamble with my life

While your protect yours, I stay up ignoring sleep so I can write

I remember, yes I remember being 6 and 8 and 10

I remember that I was terrified of this world even then

I would sleep with a hammer right next to my bed

I was always ready for a nightmare; the worst of it all lived in my head

I remember, yes I remember being that age

I would not even shower by myself because I was afraid

I thought someone might come and get me, take me away

I truly believed these unrealistic fables and games

I slept with all the lights on; I’m not making this shit up

I was always anticipating that the worst had yet to come

My imagination, yeah it’s served me well at times

But it also haunts me; it’s still what keeps me up at night

Trust me when I say that I wish my thoughts could just be light

I wish I was shallow, vain and boring

Honestly, that’d probably make for a smoother ride

But I’m so twisted; I’m so darkened and full of fright

I’m sure it keeps your interest but man does it wear me out sometimes

Embrace my darkness

That’s what I will have to do

Surround the starkness

Be the fickle light in a dead beat room

Love my body

That’s what you’re asking me to do?

I hate this corpse and all this skin in which I loom

My skeleton and all my bones

Closer to myself I’ll have to grow

Out of control, by now you know

That I’ve been suffocating in my own dishonesty

And my veracity has never been free to roam

I can’t be domesticated or wifed

I don’t want to play house and be pacified

I don’t want to give up my dreams for the compromise

I want to touch and breathe and fuck and brawl and bite

I want to sing and dance and discover and write

I want to be free from the beast that has stolen all parts of me from the day light

I just want to give up this relentless and terrifying fight

Am I half dead or am I half alive?

It’s all the same with the same deadened inaccurate eye sight

My eyes are broken they have said

I fucking wish to God that they are right

Cause all I can see is every flaw

That I would give a pretty penny to fix

All I see is every ounce of fat

That I just can’t get comfortable with

All I see is every imperfection

That I just assume you will only notice as well

But there’s so much more to me than my exterior

Please don’t love or hate me based on my maladjusted shell

I’ve hurt so many

I can’t even count the many faces

She opened to me her heart and her soul

I stole her trust and lied in the tides of her good graces

This is the greatest; this is the harshest consequence of all

There are those who will never look at me the same

And there are those who fully anticipated my fall

I’ve been dancing in a puddle that was made to hydrate the earth

I’ve been running for a lifetime and I just want to know my worth

I’m a sullied spirit vanishing in the clutter that I’ve prepared myself

But I think I might be a human being whom in her right mind has only ever meant well

I think I might be good

Deep down in the quandary of my being

I think I might have some goodness left

From the bottom of my ghost, thank you for saving me from me.