My February 13th, 2023 Story
I am a Michigan State University graduate student, alum, and lifelong Spartan. I wanted to share my thoughts and experiences from one of the latest acts of gun violence. I can only speak to my own experience and feelings reflecting on this, which is still a fresh trauma. The following words are not polished, they are barely revised, but they are honest and real.
The events of Monday night were not surprising; sadly, I knew it was only a matter of time before gun violence would harm my community. I grew up doing active shooter drills in public school. I distinctly remember an assembly in middle school where we watched recorded news coverage of the aftermath of the Columbine high school shooting. I sat there, and tears were silently rolling down my cheek. Every time I learned of the news of a school shooting or a mass shooting (which happens all too often), I felt that grief and knew it could have been me, my family, or my community. Gun violence and mass shootings have touched almost every aspect of society: elementary schools, grocery stores, concerts, parades, clubs, and more I’m sure I’m forgetting because there are just too many to keep track of.
Even growing up in a rural community, surrounded by hunters, I have never felt safe around guns. I have never touched a gun and have no desire to ever do so. There have never been guns in my home. I respect people’s desire to hunt, but see no point in owning a gun knowing that it may be used to kill another human, even in the case of “protection”. I don’t see any good that can come from guns whose primary purpose is killing people.
I was not on campus Monday night; I wasn’t in East Lansing- I was thirty miles away. I got one alert after another. Soon people were calling and messaging me, some of who I haven’t spoken to in years, to check on me. It was comforting but I didn’t have many words to share other than I’m safe. I sat in my basement watching tv, refreshing Twitter for the latest updates. I stayed up until the shelter-in-place was lifted, not able to go to sleep while my fellow Spartans, classmates, colleagues, and friends, were still in danger.
I didn’t know any of the victims personally, yet I am still grieving for them and their loved ones. The three Spartans who are no longer with us were 19 and 20 years old. As someone with siblings around those ages, my heart especially breaks. I try to always tell my people I love them as much as possible because someday that may be the last thing I ever say to them.
I am grieving for all those who watched their classmates die. My heart aches for those who were in Berkey Hall and the Union. My heart aches for those who feel guilty, angry, heartbroken, re-traumatized, numb, and a whole range of other human emotions. I am heartbroken for those who survived previous acts of violence like Oxford, Sandy Hook, and I’m sure others and now are experiencing this horrendous experience once again. I am grieving for those who were in fear for their lives during the four hours of shelter in place, for those who called and messaged loved ones thinking it was the last thing they would ever say to them. My heart aches for all the loved ones who were miles away from their people, who helplessly waited to confirm their loved one on campus was safe and alive.
I don’t know much about how we move forward from this. There is a long road of individual and collective healing ahead. I know the solution to the problem of gun violence is not simple, it will not be solved by one single action or policy. The problem is too complex, like many other issues that plague our society. I and my Spartan community are now part of a club that no one ever wants to join: Gun Violence Survivors. It is cliché but it is true: we are in this together and we will help each other heal, together. Spartan Strong does not mean we will move past this and get back to “normal”. Spartan Strong means we will be there for each other as we move through our grief and healing. We will respect and honor our emotions, as well as others. We will do what our hearts need, individually and collectively.
For emotional support, donation links, events, and other resources following the MSU shooting visit tinyurl.com/MSUspartanstrong
