Apple is a fashion company. Now if only the Airpods were fashionable.

You might think, from Mr. Messina’s breathless prose, that the take of Apple being a fashion company that makes internet-enabled jewelry was somehow new and fresh. But, alas, no. Does he not remember when John Gruber reviewed the Apple Watch? More than that, does he not remember when Gruber invoked Ed Colligan’s “PC guys are not going to just figure this out. They’re not going to just walk in,” in response to quotes from an exec at LVMH?

(You’ll notice Apple yanked the gold case, most “luxurious” Edition version of the Apple Watch from the market at the same time Airpods were introduced. Or not. It was done somewhat quietly.)

Even Steve Jobs kind of gave the game away when he famously said:

“The only problem with Microsoft is they just have no taste. They have absolutely no taste. And I don’t mean that in a small way, I mean that in a big way.”

That was in 1996. That’s always been Apple’s offer to buyers: Get our stuff, and be considered tasteful. Buy the other guys, and you won’t.

So what’s my problem here? Well, it’s mostly that Airpods are… Well, about as sexy as Google Glass. Which Mr. Messina rightly holds up as unsexy. But then he goes into raptures about how drippingly sexy Airpods are.

Um, no.

Some quick reality checks:

Can you imagine Anna Wintour wearing Airpods?

Can you imagine Hedi Slimane wearing Airpods?

Can you imagine Ashley Graham wearing Airpods? Kendall Jenner? Madalina Ghenea?

None of those pass the laugh test.

Airpods are the kind of tech only another techie could love. Yes, they’re better than wired earpods, but the fashionable weren’t wearing earpods anyway. Yes, they might make Siri easier to use, but the fashionable aren’t using Siri, either.

Now, hey, I could well be wrong, and end up as one of Gruber’s claim chowder pieces. But the most likely outcome is enough of Apple’s customer base will buy these to make them profitable — not unlike the Watch — and for everyone else, they’ll be an asterisk, at best. And it’s precisely because they look, well, kind of dippy. Something you’ll tolerate if you absolutely have to get a task done, but you’ll squirm a little on being seen in public with them on.

Or, to put it a somewhat different way: If Airpods are fashionable, just what earrings do they go with? Or does Apple have the chutzpah to think their substantial audience of women will forego earrings in favor of Airpods… for fashion!

Apple knows this is a problem. Here’s the presentation video. Women wearing Airpods show up twice, for a total of about 4 seconds out of the total run time of 490 seconds, and they’re not wearing earrings or studs either time. Yeah, right.