
The really good ones make it look easy.
Plonk rear end on bench. Lean forward. Rest elbows on knees. Feet shoulder-width apart. Then, suddenly . . .
Nothing.
Ace benchwarmers sit on the pine and watch games without breaking a sweat. It’s a gift. You either have it or you don’t, right? Wrong.
Ace benchwarmers are made, not born. It’s not easy being the ultimate underdog. It’s hard work.
Ace benchwarmers go to practice. They run, dribble, throw, kick, jump, catch.
Then they sit on the pine and watch teammates play the game.
I know all about benchwarmers because I’ve studied their techniques. Also, I was one in my youth. Not an ace benchwarmer, but I was pretty good for my size.
From those observations and my personal experience I’ve identified 7 Habits of Highly Effective Benchwarmers.
Kids who play sports must adopt these habits or they will have no hope of excelling as a benchwarmer at any level.
1 — Stretch Out
Stretch the gluteus — the muscles that support your body’s rear end. But also stretch the other muscles as if you will be starting at shortstop or quarterback or guard or goalie. Why? Because you never know. You might get in the game.
2 — Focus On Fundamentals
Sit up straight and smile if your team is winning. Slouch down if your team is losing. Leap up and pump your fist when your team scores. Practice benchwarmer fundamentals just as you practice sports fundamentals. Why? Because the coach will notice. And you never know. You might get in the game.
3 — Make Direct Eye Contact
Sit close to the coach. (But not right next to the coach. That’s too obvious.) Be alert. Watch for “The Look.” That’s when coach scans the bench for someone to put in the game. Don’t look away. Don’t even blink. Look coach right in the eyes. You never know. You might get in the game.
4 — Acknowledge Your Support System
Glance back in the bleachers and spot your family or friends. DO NOT WAVE. That’s not cool. Just arch your eyebrows and nod your head slightly. Appear calm, as if you know that at any moment coach will put you in the game. You never know.
5 — Stay Hydrated
Benchwarmers love sunflower seeds. They are tasty and it’s fun to spit the shells all over the ground. But sunflower seeds are salty, which can lead to dehydration. Drink plenty of fluids because you never know. Coach might put you in the game, and you don’t want to go in and then keel over from dehydration.
6 — Play Mind Games
Ace benchwarmers use psychological shenanigans to change the momentum of a game. They wave towels overhead (“Rally Towel”) or turn hats inside-out (“Rally Hats”) or they rub stomachs and pat heads at the same time. (It doesn’t affect game momentum, but if you can rub head and pat stomach at the same time, coach might think you’re talented and put you in the game. You never know.)
7 — Get Down and Dirty
Never go home after a game with a clean uniform. It looks as if you, um, sat on a bench the entire game. Purposely grind in grass stains while stretching out your gluteus muscles. If the other team is winning, don’t just slouch on the bench. Toss yourself in the dirt and roll around. You never know. Coach might see your filthy uniform and incorrectly assume you are a starter. Next game? You play.
Oh, wait. Did I say “7 Habits of Highly Effective Benchwarmers”? Well, there are eight. Why? Because I’m writing this blog and I say so.
8 — Have Fun
If you play one minute or one inning or not at all, cherish the experience. Enjoy being with friends. Don’t get discouraged.
“The Bench” only exists in team sports. In the Game of Life, there is no bench. Everyone plays.
And you never know what might happen.
About the author:
Steve Moore is the creator of the syndicated comic In the Bleachers and a producer of animated feature films, including Open Season. He lives in Idaho with his three children, a dog, a parrot, and a snake named Tina Fey.
