Day One

Our journey as a leading husband and submissive wife begins…

I called my wife from work, yesterday, several times. This is usually not something I do. I focused on her and listened to her when I got home. I am often halfhearted in my attentiveness. I am willingly helping more around the house. My grumpiness is gone, and with it, the resentment I could never acknowledge was there.

I have always been an egalitarian. In the church in which I serve, we try to follow the Bible’s instruction on not letting a woman teach or take authority over a man, and I had learned to accept that. Otherwise, I believed the healthy choice, that what a woman wanted, was the egalitarian approach.

Yesterday, that changed. I called my wife from work and apologized. She had for years asked me in different ways to take the lead in the household. I had not heard because I didn’t want it, and I couldn’t believe she wanted it. Meanwhile, although I believe our marriage to be the envy of many, that refusal to lead was the source of underlying difficulty. She was frustrated. I was resentful.

I thought I was a leader, and spiritually I was, realistically, everything at home was her domain. She had learned to accept this. I was busy with work. She was at home. She learned to take charge of household matters. Like Debra in the book of Judges, the woman begrudgingly rose to the occasion in the absence of male leadership, but neither of our hearts were happy with situation.

Then, recently, I felt God dealing with me.

I saw increasing evidence that many women were desiring to surrender power and authority to a man. This is expressed in many ways, and sometimes in unhealthy, sinful ways, but the desire is real and present. I heard again my wife’s voice from many past discussions, and I began to hear what I could not believe at the time. My wife wanted to submit to my leadership and authority.

The moment I surrendered myself to this, something within me changed drastically. I felt like a different person. My attitude toward my wife is different, and I have a great hope for an even better marriage in the future.

I have told her that at this stage the responsibility to demonstrate a change is mine. I need to win her trust in a whole new way and show a Christ-like love. As she sees this and believes in my veracity, then we will talk further about what this means for us as a couple and what we want changed.

We will begin logging our conversations, crafting a document of understanding between us so that expectations are clear. As our needs change, so will that document. It will help us move forward with clear communication and help build trust.

We read Ephesians five, together, last night. I started with the husband’s section, in which I am to give myself to my wife as Christ gave Himself to the church. It is a sacrificial headship of love and honor. Then we read the verses on her submission, a reflection of the church’s submission to Christ. We talked about the verses, our thoughts, and our concerns.

Some of this can be scary, but I can make it less so by earning her trust. We believe love and respect are not earned. They are to be freely given. Trust, though, is different, and it is here that she will find the security the she desires.

Then, before we went to bed, she surprised me. We were talking about her online purchases that day. She asked if, for now on, she should clear them through me. I was surprised by how excited I became at that question. I said I like that idea. It’s not that she needs the help, but as an expression of this new dynamic, it would be nice, if there is opportunity. If there is not time to do so, we can discuss it after the fact. I have no desire to countermand her desires in what to buy, and I see no need. It is simply the gesture.

I am trained to be disgusted by such an idea. This is not how I was taught couples operate. I did my best before to pretend like I was taking seriously the Biblical passages on the subject, but I can see now my duplicity. We are also getting the first taste of the peace and joy that comes from operating as God intended.

This begins our journey of the husband truly being the leader and head of the household and the wife submitting to her own husband. I hope to chronicle what we learn here as we seek to weigh our own hearts and cultural expectations against what the Bible says. I am excited about this journey in ways I never thought I would be.

Here, it begins.