Betrayal Trauma is Grief: The 5 Stages

Betrayal trauma occurs when someone that we are in close relationship with violates our trust. Recovering from betrayal trauma is much like recovering from the loss of a loved one. It is a grieving process, and it should be treated as such. Betrayal trauma is heart work. It is an invitation to return home, back to ourselves.

The following graphic outlines some of the common phases that we move through when processing betrayal in a romantic relationship.

1. Denial- Even when presented with sufficient evidence it feels difficult to comprehend how a person could be capable of betraying us in the way that they did.

It may have happened too fast to wrap our head around, and we haven’t fully processed what occurred.

(Trauma is defined as an emotionally distressing experience that is difficult to cope with and out of our control. Additionally, when a distressing event happens too fast for us to emotionally process, trauma occurs.)

When we experience betrayal it is shocking and hard to believe because we know that believing it will shatter our reality (which impacts our sense of safety and survival). Therefore, denial is often a coping and defense mechanism.

• If we are gaslit we may exist in a state of denial for an extended and chronic period of time.
• If we are dependent on the person committing the act of betrayal for shelter or survival our ego will do its best to shield us from the truth by denying it.
• If one or both of our parents have a coping mechanism of denial, this stage can also be exacerbated as this is most likely our subconscious program for coping with trauma as well.

2. Anger- Once we realize that the betrayal definitely did occur, we begin to feel angry about it.

• How could they do this to me?

We will oscillate between several emotional states depending on the severity of the betrayal. A confusion, disgust, sadness, and anger cocktail.

You might also find yourself trying to “make sense of” what happened amidst your anger. During this time, you could decide to read articles about cluster B personality disorders as you attempt to “find a diagnosis.”

• Why did they do this to me? Why did this happen?

At this stage it is common to go into self protect mode and set strong boundaries with whomever betrayed you.

Next, you might begin to feel angry with yourself for ignoring signs or spending too long in the previous state of denial. A certain level of self betrayal and abandonment may have had to occur for the betrayal to even take place. We may also feel anger at life or the universe. Please remember, that if this person was tied to your home environment or sense of security / safety that you were in denial as a way to survive.

3. Bargaining- This is also what I like to call the prayer stage.

Reality of what has occurred has sunk in, and the initial emotional impact of it has been felt. Now, we turn to the universe for answers.

Here, we might begin working with a deity if we engage in deity work. Whatever your spiritual practice is, you will find yourself turning to it. Increased journaling and meditation are recommended.

This is also the phase were reconciliation is most likely to occur (if it is going to occur). Here, you must decide if this betrayal is something you are willing to look past or if the relationship is severed for good.

Exes or friends etc. may return and plead with you or beg/ask for your forgiveness and another chance. It is up to you whether or not you want to repeat a cycle with them.

Here, we ask:

• Is this fixable?

4. Depression- In this phase, we realize that our life will never be the same and that what has occurred has caused irreperable damage to the connection. There is no chance of reconciliation. The life we once envisioned for ourselves has been torn to pieces.

Here, we let go of the future and life that we thought we were going to live with this person.

The work here is to surrender to the universe.

The more we cling to what we thought should happen, the more we make the current reality wrong and the reality where the betrayal didn’t occur right — the longer we prolong our suffering.

At this time we may also have a tendency to spend time in solitude and isolation. Continue to practice self care and take it day by day.

Ask Yourself:

• What does my spirit need from me today?
• What does my body need from me today?

5. Acceptance- We have accepted that our life will never be the same and we begin to envision a new life for ourselves.

Now, you see that experiencing betrayal is an invitation to journey inward and come home to self.

Through it all, you have formed a deeper connection with you. You may also choose to alchemize your experience into a piece of art, poetry, book, teaching, law or social reform, platform, etc

You set higher standards and boundaries for yourself, allow this experience to transform you in a positive way, and work on

• Self Esteem
• Self Worth
• Self Acceptance
• Self Love
• Self Respect
• Self Forgiveness

Ask yourself:

• What did you learn about yourself in this process?

Conclusion

You may find yourself oscillating back and forth between stages, that is normal. Although I’ve outlined steps in a sequential order, please know that everyone processes differently and that healing is never a linear process.

If you or someone you know has recently experienced betrayal check out my article:

Sending you all lots of peace, light, and angelic blessings.

If this article helped you, I’d love to hear about it ! Please follow me on Medium or reach out to connect with me on IG via @heartmedicinepath

Xoxo,

Michelle