I hadn’t even realized I was mad until those moments were long passed and the guilt and shame kicked in. You know that crippling, would rather just hide under the blanket because it’s one of those days where the
“sun comes up just to humiliate you.” (Chuck Palahniuk, fight club)
In my blurry eyed childlike temper tantrum -like all human beings do at some point on their journey (before becoming zen masters of course)
People were telling me what to do.
Telling me what to say.
Where to stand and where to sit
Nothing I’m doing is good enough, quick enough, I’m not sober enough for long enough, I should be be more ahead in my life, look at my past and bitch slap me with it some more why don’t we and
For god sake my conclusion was I’m just not GOOD enough.
My life started to feel like hokey pokey and I was winning at
I am so hard on myself- I hate me more than you do, I judge me more than you do, I’m constantly critiquing my every flaw and flourishing in my fucked up flesh! So give me a break, i am not smug I am smothered by social measuring tape just like everyone else and and and AND
After my mind cleared and my fists came unclenched from white nuckling all my suppressed emotions I started laughing — loudly! Laughing and crying like the lunatic I perceive people to think I am (another self judgment)
because it was so effing obvious.
I have the answer!
Maybe I should give myself a break.
Those people, the ones I love of course, who took the brunt of my rampage received genuine apologies from me and quickly informed me I was forgiven, and that I really need to take care of myself… I’ve so publicly made it known I’m in a…ummm…
But how could they give me such a break while I’m over here hypothetically beating myself up- black eyed and bruised on the inside, hysterical and hurt because I screwed up….
Omg. I had to get over myself. I’m human. What? Do I think I am some super natural creature of the perfect future? HA!
How giant is my ego to think I can’t make a mistake?
So then I asked myself….
They got over it so why can’t I?
Ego tells me I should be “better” when really I should accept myself and everything as it is- not as I wish it to be.
I move on.
I do the right thing according to my value system. I keep going.
Perfectionism is the devil. I surrender to the judgment of the uninformed because I have already saved a seat for my critics (your seat is located in the nose bleed section and I can barely see you ;)
What I’m learning so damn late in my life is…
The grooviest thing about forgiveness when it’s *given* is that you teach the one repenting how to forgive as well. And since we are all connected we should have each other’s fronts and backs.
According to Brene Brown, Shame can not survive empathy. So if you are feeling that yucky feeling, now or in the future- speak on it, find someone who gets it (thanks to everyone who’s Been an ear for me lately) Never give it all the power and just take your lesson and
because the sun came up for us and for the people who share a struggle… so… um… everyone….. even my critics if I have them & thats something to be grateful for.