Navigating an Unfair World

Heather D Reynolds
Sep 7, 2018 · 5 min read

As a young kid, “it’s not fair!” was a common rant of mine. My sister got to do things I did not. My sister didn’t have to do things I had to do. Now in midlife, I often experience that same sense of being the victim of a situation in various areas of life. As a climber of only five feet, 3 three inches, my five foot ten counterparts often have to work less to do the same move. Those five foot ten climbers will argue my fingers are smaller so we smaller folks have the advantage of more surface area. In the end… it is a competition for fairness.

Who said life was supposed to be fair? Who said that we deserved anything?

We as a society have been Unions who are supposed to make it fair. We have Governments who are supposed to make it “right.” We have non profit organizations fighting for rights and quality. We have spiritual sects that tell us, if we are good, good will happen to us.

Really? That hasn’t been my experience.

These places where life is unfair to our personal disadvantage we often consider a wound. I have met numerous young children born into families with abusive and/or neglectful parents. They have wounds that now shape their experience of the world and their behaviour. Just as being shorter than some of my climbing counterparts has shaped how I climb, how I used to train and my climbing experience. I know some folks who have just walked away from climbing because of the “unfairness.”

These experiences of “unfairness” are not going to go away. Nor will the world readily bend to our will that readily. Consider how long it has taken for laws about homosexuality to be removed from the penal code, for women to win the right to vote. Even when there is a win, new “unfairness” comes to light. Is it fair to hire a woman over a man when they are equal candidates, just because there is a push for gender equality? I am sure that question can spur much debate. We live in a dualistic world; where we give to one, it means taking from another. Whoever we take from experiences the unfairness.

The wound is the place where the Light enters you.

- Rumi -

The wounds of life are only healed through the experience of letting in that Light. Every broken heart is a wound that opens the potential to let the Light of something greater than ourselves in.

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

Letting the light in is the first step.

What is this Light?

It is the Light of big S-Self understanding. What is it about this situation that is really hurting me? What thought or fear is this creating for me?

When we understand how the situation is creating pain for us, we can understand what we can do about it. With the climbing example, the fear could be, I will not be accepted as a good climber. I will fail. Often it is pretty simple… most wounds lead back to our fear for our safety. None of us want to be rejected. Or it could be a fear of discomfort. I will have to live with fewer luxuries if I do not make the money I perceive I need. The working conditions will be uncomfortable.

Question what you believe to be true.

The Work, by Byron Katie gives you four simple questions to ask to create clarity around your wounds and your worry. Where it sounds simple, I would suggest that Byron Katie herself is a master at helping the mind gain clarity and curiosity about what it thinks. In my climbing example, a thought might be, “the route setters are unfair setting a route that gives taller people an advantage.” Are the route setters being unfair? Are taller people being advantaged?

Step Three — Take Responsibility

Being curious about whether what you think is true is taking responsibility, but continue the curiosity to see where you may be contributing to the situation. “I am choosing to climb in this gym on these routes. I know who the setters are and how they set, but I choose to pay money to come here. If I make the choice to contribute to the financial sustainability of the place, then I get what I pay for. “

I can hear the arguments formulating already… If a woman argues she is being paid less than a man for the same work product, then she can take responsibility for choosing to do the work under those conditions. We can argue we do what we need to do to survive, but we must also still take responsibility for the choice. Taking responsibility is where we can examine what motivated us to do something we disagree with on a moral ground. In the working for less money, perhaps one is driven by fear of survival. A closer look allows us to see it was our fear that lead us to compromise a moral value we hold. This opening of the door let’s the light of self understanding and forgiveness to come in.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness for ourselves and the other is critical to healing. If we do not take responsibility for our part, we cannot forgive ourselves. This leads us down the road of dis-ease. Without forgiving ourselves, we are always in the place of defending ourselves. We try to create a wall so no one sees our flaws and mistakes. But unfortunately, deep inside our subconscious, we know where we have gone against our own moral values. We can create a wall so no one else sees it, but we cannot wall away the subconscious for very long. It shows itself in our addictions, our anxiety, busy-ness.

Forgiving our enemies is also essential. Holding a grudge does nothing to the other person, it only creates self righteousness in ourselves. You can be pretty certain that when you believe you are right and someone else is wrong, you are not capable of empathy, vulnerability or authenticity. We all make mistakes. We all participate in actions that can harm another; intentionally or unintentionally. Choosing to take a job takes that job opportunity from someone else who may need it more than you do. Contemplate this thought; “everyone is just doing the best s/he can in that moment.”

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

This thought is empathy in action. It is the seed of forgiveness if you can believe it to be true. Consider how much pain must you be in to be driven to harm your own child? We can all agree the behaviour is wrong, but I can also understand that when we are in pain we are very capable of making very bad choices. Chances are, holding on to our story of “unfairness” will only lead us to our own inner dis-ease and subsequent poor choices as well.

Heather D Reynolds

Written by

Climber, Adventurer, Yogini, Kinesiologist, Author, Teacher

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