Steps to Getting Where YOU Want to Go

Heather D Reynolds
Sep 3, 2018 · 7 min read

Humans are interesting beings. We have a multitude of desires… however, the desire to feel pleasure and to avoid pain is pretty prevalent in our everyday moments of choice. We want foods that taste good, but perhaps they are not so great for our overall health and longevity. We don’t want the discomfort of being stuck in traffic or in our cubicles when we know it is sunny outside.

Here is where it can get confusing… rather than following our big dreams by leaving our cubicles and introducing the world to the wonder of being a world ultimate frisbee champion, (this is probably somebody’s big dream), we stay behind our desk, enduring the discomfort of the cubicle. In other words, we don’t follow the pleasure, we follow the dis-ease.

We all have our cubicle/ultimate situation. That dream we desire and the obstacle that keeps us from pursuing it. Think about yours for a moment. It could be following your training plan and being in the gym lifting weights over getting outside for a hike with a good friend. It could be being with family for a birthday rather than finishing the book you are reading. The point here is not to judge… but look at the choice with curiosity.

We all have very good excuses for our choice, but let’s put those to the side for a moment and just consider the activity we aspire to. Let’s say the decision is whether to leave one’s cubicle job for something more risky… like becoming an ultimate frisbee champion. Be curious…

We think in two ways… one very automatic and immediate and one more methodical and rational. If we go with the gut and feel the feels of being out on the field ripping frisbees, we may be inclined to choose the route of becoming the world class ultimate frisbee champ. However, when we consider the actual implications of leaving our cubicle job, the odds of being better than most other competitors, the potential risks of injury that could disable our career, not to mention the potential financial pressure… after all, ultimate frisbee champions are not making money hand over fist and there would be a lot of expenses for travel, etc. And then there are all the relationship considerations. What would your parents think, your friends?

By now the rational part of you has convinced your more impetuous self that while not has fulfilling, the cubicle is the place to be. The more immediate gut response has been influenced by the mental images you have fed it of you tripping on the field and ending up in the hospital with your leg elevated and in a cast. Like a scolded child, that more child-like part of you has slunk off to its room filled wth disappointment and isolation.

Now you dress each day, and head to the cubicle with a little part of you that is sulking in the corner. But at the end of the day, s/he re-emerges from the corner and says, “alrighty then, if we are not going to pursue my dream, I am going to party!” (Or if you are like me, that petulant child decides to renovate, or over exercise, shop, etc.). Pick your poison, we all have a few.

Oliver Roos on unsplash

But what if you DID choose to become the ultimate frisbee champion and it did not work out? Not everybody can be the next best and greatest. True… so here is STEP 1…

Discover what you really want.

Having coached countless folks, here’s what I can tell you — we all have a desire to express ourselves in a way that serves the world and while it may seem like the dream to be the best… it is really that there is a form of expression OR a desire we are trying to fulfill that our soul longs for.

Example A: I want to improve my climbing performance… Tell me what makes you want to improve performance. I won this recent competition and after that when I came to the gym, I got to climb with these climbers I admire. I was accepted as one of them. The desire then is… drumroll please…belonging.

Example B: I want to improve my climbing performance, what is your favourite part of climbing? Tell me about a time when you felt that you had one of your best climbing days… really bring the experience to life in your imagination, pull all the memories forward… what do you see? Who is there? What are you doing? Where are you? Answers… one good friend/climbing partner, we are outside in an area I haven’t been to before. We are just trying to do as many routes as possible, not really trying anything hard, just lots and lots of climbing. My partner and I are in sync and seem to just flow. The fulfillment comes from… not the sense of success on the hardest routes, or being strong, but the friendship and the adventure of exploration and moving.

Take time to consider your own deepest driving desire… just pick one — the thing you think you would rather be doing than sulking or partying.

STEP 2 — Discern whether this desire is something that serves the world (big S-self) or is just small self serving.

If you have watched America’s Got Talent, you can spot the difference. There are those who perform and then those who entertain. To perform is to “do” the task, to entertain is to connect and respond to the audience and have the audience respond in kind. In Example A above, the desire is for connection or a sense of belonging. This could be something very small self serving, or it could be deeper than that. It could also be something that fulfilled by just find people to climb with. This particular group to belong to was those who climb pretty well… so the obvious question is, what do you get from connection or belonging with that group. The answer in this particular case was… these people are really excited about trying hard and trying on hard things, travelling and climbing in new areas. Now we see there is a desire to learn and to travel. Learning certainly seems more Big S-self fulfillment.

How would it serve the world you may ask? Well, I challenge you to watch the Olympics and not cry. Olympics not your thing? Then try reading the biography of Martin Luther King, or Oprah. The common theme… when we watch people overcome hardship, we are inspired. Watching people do what is difficult gives the world hope, faith that sometimes, the impossible is possible.

What if the desire is really small self serving? Well, if you look at Example B, the fulfillment was the pleasure of friendship and exploring, moving in the body. Maybe that is really just to fulfill the desire for something that feels good. That doesn’t make it any less valuable. There is no point in going through the hardships if we don’t have the balance of the pleasure. The pleasurable experiences can help us stay motivated when things get real in the real unhappy way.

STEP 3 — Stay CURIOUS about what is driving you moment by moment.

Now comes the hard part. The point isn’t to only do things that lead to some greater good, BUT it is definitely helpful to YOU if you start to see which choices you make lead you there and which ones are because it feels safer. Choosing the cubicle can be the thing that allows you to play ultimate after work and on the weekends and that’s not a bad thing if ultimate is giving you a sense of big S-self fulfillment.

Photo by Finding Dan | Dan Grinwis on Unsplash

STEP 4 — Where you can, choose the scarier route… serving big S-self.

Not suggesting that you quit your cubicle employment and become a free agent. But YOU can act like a free agent where you can. You can put aside some of that cubicle earning funds for travel to the ultimate competition in Belize. A goal like that will give you continued motivation and inspiration for your sulking child self who wants to not go to work today. Or maybe your goal to teach others the game and starting a league for youth after school will give you something to look forward to and satisfy the big S-self. Maybe you will try it and it won’t fulfill you; then try something else. You are not supposed to get it right every time, but you are supposed to keep trying.

Most importantly, remember this… STAY CURIOUS — the wrong path only helps you understand better where the right path is to where you are going.

Heather D Reynolds

Written by

Climber, Adventurer, Yogini, Kinesiologist, Author, Teacher

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